Today I am going to stray from my usual cooking theatricals to discuss something that has been bugging me. If you’re just in it for the cooking, I suggest you stop reading now. If you’re in it for the cats, keep reading.
I don’t know about you, but my Facebook wall gets flooded with articles about how to be a better spouse/signifigant other/lover/mistress/protector of all that is holy. I decided it’s time I write my own because these articles are clearly not giving you the full truth.
I have yet to see an article that has an “About the Author” section. How can I trust the article I am reading if I don’t know if it’s coming from a valid source? Here’s an example of what one should look like. ahem.
About the Author: Hello, I am 19 years old and been married for 1 year after dating my spouse for 1 year. You can believe everything I say because I believe in God. I will get divorced in 2 years because nothing I say makes any sense.
Some gems from these articles go as follows:
1. “If you’re not arguing, you’re doing something wrong. It means you are holding something back from your spouse and you’re afraid to discuss your true feelings” – Seriously?! You can discuss your true feelings without arguing. It’s called a conversation. If your spouse isn’t listening to your feelings, just tell them to your cat instead. They’re always willing to listen while licking their buttholes.
2. “Communicate” – I don’t think there is any sound advice on how to communicate, you just open your mouth and words or noises come out. If you find it is not working, I believe that playing the game SpaceTeam is the best thing you can do for your relationship. You yell nonsense words at each others faces and hope that your space ship doesn’t crash and kill you. This is basically how communication works anyways.
3. “I am married and dating someone” – Oh teehee jk I fooled you with the clever little title of my article. The truth is that I am still dating my wife. Nah for real? You’re still nice to that bitch even after marrying her? CRAZY! I never would have thought about being nice to my spouse. Isn’t that why you get married? So you can stop being nice and start being real. Wait, no, thats why you go on the TV show The Real World. I’m not really sure why one gets married.
Another gem was that Brad Pitt article that was going around. I am not going to link to it because I do not want his selfish ass to get any more traffic to his writings. Which, he probably didn’t even write himself. The article basically read like this:
“Hey Angelina, you had cancer and got depressed so instead of trying to make you feel better, I thought about leaving you. I let you get really depressed without even noticing. I married you because the world thinks you’re beautiful, not because I think you’re beautiful. Then I told the whole world how depressed you were and how I am a knight in shining armor for winning you back rather than giving up and leaving you”.
Bitch, you ain’t no knight. You’re a selfish asshole who should have been paying a little bit of attention. If you thought about leaving your wife, that makes every statement you make afterwards completely invalid. Amerrrrica, we leave our wives.
My marriage advice to you:
1. Get a cat
2. Teach that cat to cook
3. Forever be a lazy piece of shit
If you read this and thought it was complete nonsense, now you know how I feel when I read these articles that flutter around. If you’re looking for advice on your relationship, don’t read the internet.
Read my favorite poem instead:
What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps
A few days after I drafted this post:
Joe proposed to me! Clearly my relationship advice is filled of pure gold. (Thanks to Photography byBrea for this amazing photo)