Black Bean Papyrus Wraps

I feel like if you put the word “Papyrus” into the title of something then people automatically think it’s something fancy. But as you know, I hate papyrus. Nothing with papyrus in the title is of any good to you, take my word for it! No, not even the cards. So now you can imagine how upset I was when I had to buy tortillas that used the font papyrus, and oh they used it loud and proud! I expected more for, you, Goya!

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This idea blossomed from my favorite (and only) recipe site, Budget Bytes. I then mentioned it to my oh so domestic friend, Jackie, who helped my further.

This recipe calls for black beans, fire roasted tomatoes, spinach, and cheese of course.

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Step 1: Drain beans
Step 2: Drain tomatoes
My wall block: I hate having to dirty more dishes then I need to, especially when we only have 2 strainers to begin with. Fuck this shit, both these bitches are going in the same strainer. Mix mix mix!
Step 3: Put some oil in then pan… Wtf is SOME? I obviously put too much. The first piece was COATED in oil. Is “some” a scientific measurement?!
Step 4: Turn burner to medium high.
My wall block: This is my biggest complaint about directions, what is medium high?! Can’t you just give me a number! I always screw this one up. I guess we’ll go with 5 even though 5 is right in the middle so one would think that is medium not medium high.
Step 5: Pull out your tortilla from the ugly ass papyrus covered package and place it in frying pan
Step 6: Add ingredients and trust yourself to place them properly and to not make a mess in the pan (ha!)
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Step 7: Fold over tortilla and wait some unspecified amount of time which means its going to burn or not cook at all so when you try to flip it, it all falls apart on you
Step 8: Use 2 spatulas to flip because you are handicap
Step 9: Put that shit in your mouth hole

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This one turned out pretty delicious minus the first one that was all oily that Joe was forced to eat. Trust yourself while cooking in 2013, neighbors.

Meanwhile, Dozey was searching for something behind the fridge…

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I Whip My Cheese Back And Forth

Hey all my mexicans and my mexicants!

Apparently it’s cheaper to buy 36 tortillas in a package, so it’s time to put our sombraros on and find ways to use up these tortillas.

F’Chikin Quesadillas it is!

(f’ does not mean fuckin, it means fake)

(it’s also kind of funny if you read this post in a British accent)

Step 1: When saying quesadilla you must pronounce it case-a-dill-a. This is the most important step.

Step 2: Unpack grocries. At this point, Joe shakes some bags of cheese in my face while singing “I whip my cheese back and forth” (this step cannot be skipped, it is imperitive to the well being of your future quesadillas)

Step 3: Cook the fake chikin. Step 1 of Step 3 is to read the directions. Look at the back of this package… the designer here was thinking too far outside the box, they were trying to be too cutesy and it just does not work. I couldn’t find the directions at first because they’re not written in a standard format.

Looking for more delicious dinner ideas? No! I’m looking for how to cook the damn f’chikin.

The first thing my eye goes to is the bottom “Cooking Instructions: Keep frozen until ready to use”, really? The stuff above is in the usual format where you would find recipes, not how to just straight up cook the f’chikin. The part that is even more funny is when you read those 3 “recipes”, you cook the f’chikin the same damn way in each one!

My least favorite thing to do while cooking is when you have to put something in a pan and push it around. My hand eye coordination just doesn’t match up, I don’t know how often to push around or flip or what have you. So now I must recruit Joe.

Step 4: Chop tomato while f’chikin is being pushed around in frying pan. Joe learned a cool new way to dice up a tomato, so I also left that to be his duty.

Step 5: Retrieve giant tupperware container full of lettuce from fridge. Ah, finally a task I can handle.

Step 6: f’chikin is done so it’s time to grab a tortilla and dose-e-do. Horror sets in. The tortillas are too small to fold in half. Putting one on top of each other seems impossible to flip. And it twas, it twas. One side got all burny guy but oh well, noms are noms. Om nom nom.

Step 7: Wrap lettuce around quesadilla. Oh, a lettuce wrap! It tasted like a BLT. To which I said, “we should have put bacos in these!” (but we didnt)

Step 8: Eat giant quesadilla while making smaller flippy in half guys. Those turned out much better (it also helped to turn the heat down on the burner from a 7 to a 3).

Step 9: Yum!

This is how Dozey feels after dinner: