To Infinity and Beyond, Meat.

If you’re new to cooking, bad at cooking, scared of cooking, I suggest vegetarian meals. They make things so easy.

There is a wonderful plant protein called Beyond Meat that we discovered. It is fake chicken that comes in a few flavors. The cool thing about Beyond Meat is that it acts more like actual chicken then any other subsitute we have tried. It doesn’t need to taste like chicken, it needs to act like chicken. By that I mean, it soaks up the flavors unlike tofu or other fake chicken products. Vegetarian or not, it is a must try. Plus, it has 20g of iron. Suck it, steak! The best part is that the founder went to University of Maryland and I dig anything created in my state. Find it at your local Whole Foods!

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We picked up the Southwest flavor of Beyond Meat and what better thing to make with it then a “Mexican Bake”.  I found this recipe by Kraft. What I love about the recipe, is that I completely ignored it.

Half cup of this, whole cup of that, pinch of this, pinch of that. Cook the meat for this long, toss your meat like this, throw your meat in the air and touch your derriere. How ’bout, no. Ya’ll know how I feel about following directions. They never make any sense and they always assume too much. They assume you know what you’re doing, and guess what, I never know what I’m doing.

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This is what ya do:

Preheat oven to 375. Get a pan. Cover the bottom of it with all of the Beyond Meat chicken. Lay a can of beans on top. Sprinkle some frozen corn on top of that. Scoop out some salsa and throw some clumps around. Put in the oven for 20 min. Take out and top with cheese. Bake for 5 more min. Now eat that bitch. You could make some rice on the side too, if you felt like it. Maybe, maybe if you have time.

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Since you’re not using real meat, you don’t have to worry about the meat being cooked all the way through so the timing almost doesn’t matter. Why do we need measurements for the other ingredients? Use as much or as little as you want based on your feelings about said ingredient. I love corn, but I hate onions and peppers, so fuck them. If you do decide to use real chicken, I can’t help you. Go somewhere else.

If you’re anything like every other vegetarian I know, a half cup of cheese is not nearly enough. You have to use the whole damn bag. And then some!

If you have no patience like me, you’ll forget to take a picture when you take it out of the oven and you’ll stick your face right in it. Om nom nom.

If you’re picky like me, you will pick all of the green peppers and onions out of the salsa, but when you accidently get a bite with a pepper in it, you’ll actually like it. But you’ll keep picking aroud them because psychology is a bitch.

I decided to take a tortilla and rip it up into pieces and throw it in the mix, while Joe piled his into a tortilla and ate it like a burrito. Whatever floats your boat!

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I hope you guys enjoy how horrible my photos are, it really makes all of my food look absolutely not appetizing what so ever. But come on, trust me! Beards, they grow on you.

The only thing you really need to remember is to drain the beans, otherwise you’ll end up with a soupy mexican bake and it isn’t so great.

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The Beyond Meat soaks up the flavor from the beans and salsa and really takes your taste buds to infinity and beyond! I talked to Buzz Lightyear about this, and he agreed. You can ask him yourself after you invite him to your kids birthday party.

There were no cats in the making of this dinner. Where the hell were they? Oh, right, snooze fest.

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Little shit is apparently a lightweight, he got too drunk before dinner time and passed out before he got his pajama pants on. What a n00b.

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Boiled and baked noodles with sauce and cheese and shit

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog here. I am having far less failures lately, zomg I must be learning something!

A big thing I have learned is that people make cooking sound way harder and fancier then it actually is. They list every ingredient they can think of and make that the title of their recipe. “Baked white boneless skinless perdue chicken with green broccoli from a green giant bag and white gold sprouted maybe had eyeballs before I scraped them off potatoes from a bag in the store dot com”. Shut. Up.

Baked ziti has become a hot item around here because it’s easy as shit and makes mad leftovers. And trust me, it’s easy peasy. Let me break it down for you.

Buy some noodles, any noodles, I don’t even care what shape. They all taste the same. Make your own noodles if you’re feeling ambitious, but don’t look to this blog to tell you how to do that. That seems like a chefs job.

Read the box. Well, you don’t really have to read it. Just look for some numbers. Boil the noodles according to those numbers.

If you search the internet, people bake their ziti anywhere from 350 to 450 degrees. Pick somewhere in the middle, or not, it doesn’t matter, its just a noodle.

I go with 350 and I start this shit right away because in this day and age you have to wait 10 years for an oven to preheat. Come on technology, can I get an iPhone app to make this shit go quicker?

Alright, so you’ve got the oven preheating and you’ve got some noodles boiling. If you’re feeling fancy, dump some spices and olive oil into the pot. Though it doesn’t really matter because I can’t tell the difference if it is used or not.

PIck some sauce, any sauce. I usually go with Tomato Basil.

Get a pan, any pan. Use your eyeballs, how many noodles can I fit in dis pan? That’ll do! 9 x 13 is usually good for a pound of noodles.

When the noodles are done, turn off stove, lift pot, carry to sink, and strain.

Pour the noodles back into the pot a little at a time while mixing with the sauce.

Once complete, pour a layer into the pan of your choice.

I like to mix my lazy cheap ass with my fancy expensive ass, so I go with real mozzarella cheese and also the fake shredded kraft shit. After a layer of noodles, layer some shredded shit. Repeat until you reach the top, here is where you use your fancy real ass expensive mozz. Just throw that junk on top.

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Now stick it in the preheated oven for 20-30 minutes. Or however long it takes before your house starts to catch fire.

Was that so hard?

You can throw anything you want in there, too. Sometimes I do tomatoes. Other people of the internet use meat, but I don’t know shit about cooking meat so I steer clear. The noodles make so much that you really don’t need other crap. But I know how you people like to get all fancy. Throw whatever you please in there: veggies, meatless meat, real mans meat, cat food meat, feet meat, cake meat, mustache meat, whatever. Just make sure you title your recipe accordingly.

I like to call mine “Boiled and baked noodles with sauce and cheese and shit”, that would be most accurate.

(Now do yourself a favor, go to Gizoogle.net, put in catscantcook.com and laugh your face off)

Lastly, pass out in some awkward position:

 

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Rosemary Roasted Garlic Cats

Grocery store adventures with a partner make the trip much more worth while. Joe decided to pick up some Tailapia while I picked up my usual chicken strips – or as they are officially called “breast tenderloins”.

The meat section surprised me today, everything was so cheap! All this chicken for 3 dollars, it’s going to last me for days. (These are things that you don’t know about when you have been living off of frozen meals for years). We decided to try another one of these Kraft style shake n bakes, Rosemary and Roasted Garlic. The directions say for chicken or fish so we assume we are good to go…

We finish up in the frozen section of the grocery store and we are realizing, why do we buy all of this frozen crap when we could make this same stuff and it would be way better? In this instance, we decided to scoop up some potatoes, my favorite!

In my head, the plan is for “little roasted fried potato jammies”, so I ask my good cookin’ buddy Jackie how to make said product. Apparently roasted means in the oven and fried means in the pan. My b! If you think back to one of my many breakfast potato feeaskos, you know I have attempted this task before. This time, I will leave it to Joe. He has all sorts of plans for garlic, olive oil, and pepper. Psh, who uses any sort of seasoning? Not this gal!

Time to get started!

  1.  Gather supplies for cooking chicken and fish – danger! What are we cooking in? We have to keep these jammies separate. Apparently cookie sheets will work for our task. I am used to calling these things cookie sheets, where as most people call these baking sheets. (Thanks, mom!)
  2. How long do we cook our products for? The directions say, “BAKE. Until Done.” Really, Kraft, really?! It isn’t until you get inside of the package that it actually tells you how long to bake for. (Bad design, Kraft)
  3. Time to shake. We need to separate the shake materials so my chicken juice doesn’t get on his fish juice. Here goes the process of emptying out some of the product into another plastic bag – thank the chicken gods nothing bad happened during this process. But make sure to do this over the sink to avoid any potential disaster in your kitchen.
  4. Now I shall shake my chicken. (I shake my cheese back and forth, I shake my cheese back and forth). The funny part about shake n bake is that it doesn’t actually work. I really am just flipping the chicken strip around inside the bag and then throwing some on top once I have it placed on the cookie sheet.
  5. “Coat baking pan with cooking spray” – whelp, I don’t own any of this. Aluminum Foil it is!  Al-oo-min-e-um. Here we go! The chicken and Tilpaia (how the eff do you spell Tilapia?!) basically look the same, ha.
  6. When I was in school, I took a Nutrition class where we watched a video about people cooking meat in their houses. It was so gross how people would not wash their hands thoroughly and then wipe them on a towel and the meat juice would basically end up all over their kitchen. So the most important step, is to wash your damn hands! (Cheetah finger nails, optional. Hello Kitty soap, mandatory.)

All while I’m doing this with grimey chicken hands, Dozey is trying to play fetch. What a great helper.

Meanwhile, Joe has been working on the potatoes and doing quite the excellent job. Look at all of this olive oil and garlic! If it were me, I would have put like a teaspoon of olive oil and been too lazy to cut up any garlic. (My eyes are watering already). He seems to think 3 potatoes was enough, but I’m a potato fiend. The best quote was – “I’m going to add some pepper, as long as we don’t catch on fire, we’re doing okay”. Cooking the potatoes this way turns me off because I hate scooting shit around in a pan, I just don’t get it.

Something I did do right during this process is guessing the time on how long each thing would take. Hey, I’m learning something! That is one of my biggest peeves about cooking though, timing the shit and doing all this shit at once. I am damn good at multi tasking, but not when it is something that HAS to be done or your house will blow up. (Irony: after we finished eating, the fire alarm in our building went off – not our fault!)

Rosemary Roasted Garlic Chicken Cats deliciousness!