Shit People Say…

This first statement will follow my blogs theme, the rest will not.

I walked into the grocery store and see all of the baked beans in front of me. I’ve been eating vegetarian baked beans for a few years now because of Joe. So I said out loud, “all baked beans taste the same who cares” and the guy stocking the shelves was shocked at my statement and said “did you just say all beans taste the same?!?!” Why yes sir, I did. I’m sorry my taste buds are not skilled in the world of beans like your own.

Yesterday while in Walgreens, I’m texting away and this older black lady that was buying Depends came up to me and said “I want to give you this…” I swear the paper said “DEATH, what?” As I was glancing at it she was saying some nonsense about how she wants it to bless me and how she is blessed and is blessing me. Lady, I didn’t sneeze. I handed it back to her saying “I don’t want…” she said “oh you don’t want it?” Then she went on her way purchasing her Depends. WTF just happened? All the while Joe thought the paper said “Deaf” not “Death” which is really just a whole nother story.

Now I wonder what I must look like to God loving creatures – apparently I need to be saved and blessed and shit.

A bar that we frequent called the Rec Room held some interesting characters the past 2 weeks. Let me introduce Doctor Craig to you…

Allie and I were sitting at a table discussing jobs, life, and kittens when Doctor Craig approached us.He guessed our ages and occupations: Allie is a 28 year old nurse while I am a 25 year old shoe salesmen who is flat broke, according to 27 year old Greg who is a doctor of physical therapy.

When asked what we wanted most out of life, he mistook the word kitties for titties. I mean, who wouldn’t? His girlfriend is studying physical therapy in North Carolina. I bet she is banging some hot physical therapist and now Doctor Craig is depressed and trying to compensate. (I kept thinking he was saying Craig not Greg that’s why we named him that).

He kept disappearing and coming back to our table. The second time he started asking his about our finacees (?) and said “Wait, are you engaged? Yeah, you are. I know you. I talked to you earlier” (?!?!???) Then he asked if we were sure we wanted to get married, he believed Allie but didn’t believe me HAHA! I’m not gonna lie, shit was hilarious.

In between Doctor Craig’s visits, this muscely dude with a cross necklace came up and tried to strike conversation. He was really bad at it and got some awful stares from us. So he decided to bring up Doctor Craig as his point of conversation. I guess he thought he would save us from the drunk guy, when really this guy needed some saving of his own. Maybe I should refer him to “DEATH, what?” lady. He gave up quickly and ran off.

The week before which was Frank’s birthday had some interesting series of events (the boys were dressed in suits, FYI):

  • Creepy guy bought Amanda a drink
  • Creepy guy asked me to dance, but I couldn’t hear him, when I finally understood him I said “No” with a giant attitude
  • Creepy guy in a hawiian shirt bought everyone shots, talked to Frank about anime, and was trying to pick Frank up
  • Outside a guy pushed another guy into Amanda
  • I watched a girl pick her front wedgie
  • A girl burped in my face

I. Hate. Bars. And. Drunk. People.

In conclusion, a lady at Bed, Bath, and Beyond sold me this odor eliminating stuff that is suppossed to really work! But it has Papyrus all over it. I was going to tell her I didn’t want to buy it for that reason alone, but I knew she wouldn’t have known what that meant. She was a great sales lady, so I bought it, especially because I would love odors to go away. If it doesn’t work, I’m taking it back and throwing it in her Papyrus loving ass face. (Since I brought up Papyrus, now I can tag this post with typography…or lack there of)

This is what Dozey was doing while I was typing this: