Garlic Worms

One of the hardest parts about cooking is having the right amount of the ingredients and using them before they go bad.

Recipe says: 4 tomatoes, 3 cloves garlic, 1 cup basil, 1.5 pounds pasta, 3/4 cup olive oil, 1 pound brie = Tomato Basil Brie Linguine

I have: 4 tomatoes, 2 cloves garlic, a pinch of basil, 1 pound pasta, 2/3 cup olive oil, 1/2 pound brie = Garlic Worms

So this recipe will work, right?

I’m a huge fan of brie although that shit is expensive. I couldn’t even find a pound of it on the shelf for sale. Basil goes brown over night basically so that’s always a wash, as delicious as it is. Pasta is sold in pound boxes, I don’t know where they get this 1.5 pound idea from. But I can always count on tomatoes to be there for me, I sure don’t get why they gotta be on a vine though.

Since I had all these odd measurements, I thought I should lessen the garlic and olive oil too. Yet this still came out tasting like a pound of garlic. Linguine also looks like worms. Garlic worms. I am eating worms that taste like garlic.

You basically chop all this crap and set it on the counter for 2-4 hours.

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It says to dice the tomato, so that means I cut it up in the most irregular pieces possible.

Oh, then it says to tear the brie into irregular pieces. Finally something I know how to do! Until I realize they’re just playing a sick joke on me. Have you ever tried to tear cheese before? Tear sticky cheese. It’s just stuck to my hands! Thanks a lot, I bet the cookbook people are laughing.

And then my trusty friend the garlic press, we meet again… PS: why is the garlic purple?

Basil, you smell so delicious, I love you, why you gotta brown so easily?

It takes me at least an hour to chop all of this up, but it’s so pretty…

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Time to boil the pasta, can I break these noodles in half first? It doesn’t say to, so I won’t. Oh, the noodles stick out of the top of the water, real cool. Oh, they slipped down a second later, okay then. More noodle power to ya.

Now I have to mix it all together, as if that is an easy task. Why would you combine really long noodles with a mixture? How is it supposed to get in the cracks and spread evenly? This would have been better with bow ties. Does it even matter what type of pasta I use? I HAVE QUESTIONS! I wonder if there is a recipe hotline. 1-800-RECIPE-HLP

I’m really glad I didn’t use the 3 gloves of garlic because this tastes like a pile of garlic. Joe ain’t mad doe.

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And the cats are all like, facepalm. facebutt. faceplant. faceplace.   IMG_0955

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Make your own mac n cheese they says, it’ll be easy they says…

Happy New Year!

Last year I made some mac n cheese and while a lot of dumb happened, it tasted like a lot of good.

“Easy Southwest Mac N Cheese” – easy they says…

I look at the list of ingredients and the first thing I notice is that I don’t like half of them. But I like mac n cheese, so I guess this will end up good. One thing I am definitely omitting is the onions, onions are not mac nor cheese in my experience, so it’s gotta be ok. Everything else can stay, for now.

First I need a big ol’ pot for just the garlic. Why such a big pot for just garlic? Do I put the garlic in the nutcracker press? I’ve never not done that with garlic, is this supposed to be different? I swore I read it 5 times and saw nothing about that. Because I am home alone, I text my trusty side kick Jackie. She says “are you sure it doesn’t say mince somewhere?” Oh, sure enough, it does! I was also doubling the recipe so it becomes like 4 little nubbies of garlic, pressed (minced? same thing?) into the big ol’ pot. Seems like a lot. This part you are supposed to combine with an onion, but I say hell no to onions. The recipe says that they should be “soft and transparent”, so I’m waiting for the garlic to appear this way and it’s just turning brown. Guess that means I burned it. Can I still eat it? Did I ruin the whole thing? I don’t care, lettuce keep going.

Turns out the transparent thing was about the onions, not the garlic. Good to know, thanks a lot, not specific directions. Not to mention the directions say “saute”, excuse me? Come again? You could at least throw a link in there to explain what “saute” is. You know I don’t speak mexican!

Here the cats are, trying to escape in case I burn the house down…

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Next was easy: Drain the diced tomatoes, then add them to the pot with the frozen corn and chili powder. Continue to sauté until the corn has heated through. At this point I assume saute means just leave the burner on and stir. Why can’t we just say that instead? I also never trust recipes with spices, they always call for so little of the spice. What is the point if you’re only using a little bit? I say go big or go home. I might regret this shortly.

Turn the heat off and add the drained pasta and Greek yogurt. Oooooooh okay now I get why we are using sucha big pot. I don’t particularly like yogurt either, but I am trusting this recipe here.

Stir until the pasta is coated in the creamy sauce. Add the cheese and stir until the residual heat has melted it into the sauce. If you pasta has cooled too much to melt the cheese, keep the burner on low as you stir the cheese into the sauce. Didn’t have to worry about that last part, thank jeebus.

Serve hot sprinkled with the sliced green onions. Well, my green onions were a bit old. I sent a picture to my trusty side kick to see if I could still use them. Just had to cut some bad parts off. I didn’t realize that they needed to be chopped super fine, I had chopped them kind of big. I don’t particularly like green onions, but it probably made sense for this recipe.

All in all, it was actually very good! The burnt garlic didn’t ruin it, though I did use a lot because it was a bit spicy for me.

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Nutcracker Garlic

Dozey’s boyfriend, Frank (who is actually Joe’s best friend) is quite the amazing cook. He came over and made some delicious asparagus with garlic the other evening. The next night, I asked him to show me how to use real garlic and put it into pasta. Here is what I learned:

1. Taking the crinkly paper feeling type stuff off of the garlic is quite a long process, I’m impatient dammit!

2. I was just waiting to use the nutcracker thing once the paper stuff was taken off

3. Still waiting

4. He cut some brown shit off of the garlic

5. Apparently these garlic pieces are called cloves?

6. It’s finally time for me to use the nutcracker looking thing (a garlic press?)

7. I am not strong enough to use this nutcracker. I am standing on my tippy toes because somehow I think this will help me.

The moral of the story: There was no point in learning how to use this nutcracker thing because I’m not strong enough therefore I will never get to put garlic in my foods.

om nom nom