Blondie Hell

In the fall, I wanted to make a delicious fall dessert. I did what any smart person would do and asked Jeeves which delicious fall dessert to make. Jeeves returned to me a list of many apple related things which sounded great. Joe has a restraining order against apples so I have to keep them at a safe distance. He doesn’t like sweets either, so more for me. Or I could share them at work. Which ever. Well, I would share them at work if I could successfully make something.

I picked an Apple Crisp Blondie (http://www.thereciperebel.com/apple-crisp-blondies/).
I looooooove blondies. And by love, I mean that I used to order them at Ruby Tuesday’s in high school and I couldn’t get enough.

What I liked about this recipe, is that it didn’t seem like a lot of ingredients. Some I already had and the others were easy to obtain. The directions seemed simple. I thought, “why are people so crazy about baking? This doesn’t look hard, at all”. Boy were they right.

I’m going to paste step 1 here for you so you don’t have to click the link. Please read this carefully, as I did not:

  • In a large bowl, melt the butter. Stir in sugar. Stir in remaining ingredients (through flour). Spread into prepared pan.
  • In a large bowl, melt the butter. Stir in sugar. Stir in remaining ingredients (through flour). Spread into prepared pan.
  • In a large bowl, melt the butter. Stir in sugar. Stir in remaining ingredients (through flour). Spread into prepared pan.

THROUGH.FLOUR.

What is through flour?!?!?!

I asked Jeeves again. Dearest Jeeves, what in the hell does “through flour” mean? I went down this rabbit hole reading about the chemistry of baking. The importance of putting certain ingredients in first and certain in last. I’m totally down with that, I can follow a list of directions. In fact, my faux-OCD would L.O.V.E. to add the ingredients as you state them in your recipe that you worked so hard to create for us viewers. I would loveeeeee to follow it correctly.

So tell me again, what is “through flour”? I feel like I need to look this up in multiple languages. Is this still english?

In case you were wondering, the “remaining ingredients” are:
1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla, pinch of salt, ½ tsp cinnamon

I thought maybe this meant that while you are adding the flour, add these things in too. As if it was raining and hailing at the same time. As if I had multiple hands to make this happen. Maybe it meant that you add a little at a time? Who knows what it meant. I’ve been asking around for some time now and no one seems to know.

I ended up just mixing everything together and baking it. Guess how it come out? Bad. Like slop. Like chunks of brown sugar. I could just pull these chunks apart and insert my tears between the chunks.

That’s what I get for thinking a recipe looked easy. I should know now that if the recipe doesn’t have in process photos, that it will probably be like hell on granite as I try to recreate it. Blondie dreams ruined forever. I even bought vanilla ice cream to put on top.

I continued to make the apple crisp topping, but by then I had given up completely.

The good news is that I found a blondie recipe in my “I Don’t Know How To Cook” cookbook and it is labeled as “medium”, not even “hard”. I’m going to attempt that one and then I will get back to you on it’s deliciousness. If you don’t hear from me, I have entered blondie hell to never return again.

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French Fry Spill

Guys, I’ve been having a lot of spills lately. I don’t know what the deal is. And as frustrated as I get, I am still determined to make meals better than spegetti and tacos. I don’t know if this counts as a fail, seeing as how the cooking part is still happening. But it sure feels like a fail when your shit splats everywhere. 

You know what annoys me about recipes? Ridiculous titles when all you’re really doing is boiling some noodles and adding a store bought sauce. “Roasted encrusted pan seared twice cooked salmon smothered in winter vegetables with a green chilie sauce”. Bitch all you did was put some salmon in the oven after sprinkling pepper on top and again on the stove and added a jar of sauce after you microwaved your vegetables. Ain’t nothin special about that so quit tryna sound so special in your title. 

The Internet can be so deceiving. But it works for me because adding more than one spice is like standing on one leg, wobbly and I usually fall.

I wanted to make my own French fries with some seasoning, sounds simple enough, right?

Well, first you have to figure out how to cut a potato into French fry shapes and potatoes have odd curves sort of like women so that was difficult to figure out. Whatever, they’re smaller than the potato originally started and that’s all that matters.

Then I threw some junk in a bowl – olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic, chili powder, and tossed the potatoes in. “Tossing” is such a difficult thing. I’m standing there like dancing with a bowl in the kitchen hoping that the fries get equally coated. Wonder if this is a technical term in the cooking world, “tossing”.

The recipe says to lay them on foil and use non stick cooking spray, but of course I ignore that because I’m a badass bitch.

After the oven took its sweet ass time preheating, I finally got to put my large pan into the oven. Except oh no, I don’t. Because I drop it all over the oven door instead. I have fries seeping out of my oven onto the floor and I hold back from a hissy fit because dudes, potatoes are a luxurious item. I can’t live with this tragedy. I’m all like MAN DOWN MAN DOWN CALL A MEDIC!

I guess the good news is that I also have a smaller pan of fries, so I’ll stick those in. Oh speaking of sticking, they stuck to the pan like a tongue on a pole in the snow. 

So fuck you french fries, I’m ordering pizza that I don’t even like on the one day that it isn’t half off because the Caps didn’t play the day before.

Sorry potatoes, YOLO.

Cats be like, wtf ma?

  
  

Garlic Worms

One of the hardest parts about cooking is having the right amount of the ingredients and using them before they go bad.

Recipe says: 4 tomatoes, 3 cloves garlic, 1 cup basil, 1.5 pounds pasta, 3/4 cup olive oil, 1 pound brie = Tomato Basil Brie Linguine

I have: 4 tomatoes, 2 cloves garlic, a pinch of basil, 1 pound pasta, 2/3 cup olive oil, 1/2 pound brie = Garlic Worms

So this recipe will work, right?

I’m a huge fan of brie although that shit is expensive. I couldn’t even find a pound of it on the shelf for sale. Basil goes brown over night basically so that’s always a wash, as delicious as it is. Pasta is sold in pound boxes, I don’t know where they get this 1.5 pound idea from. But I can always count on tomatoes to be there for me, I sure don’t get why they gotta be on a vine though.

Since I had all these odd measurements, I thought I should lessen the garlic and olive oil too. Yet this still came out tasting like a pound of garlic. Linguine also looks like worms. Garlic worms. I am eating worms that taste like garlic.

You basically chop all this crap and set it on the counter for 2-4 hours.

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It says to dice the tomato, so that means I cut it up in the most irregular pieces possible.

Oh, then it says to tear the brie into irregular pieces. Finally something I know how to do! Until I realize they’re just playing a sick joke on me. Have you ever tried to tear cheese before? Tear sticky cheese. It’s just stuck to my hands! Thanks a lot, I bet the cookbook people are laughing.

And then my trusty friend the garlic press, we meet again… PS: why is the garlic purple?

Basil, you smell so delicious, I love you, why you gotta brown so easily?

It takes me at least an hour to chop all of this up, but it’s so pretty…

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Time to boil the pasta, can I break these noodles in half first? It doesn’t say to, so I won’t. Oh, the noodles stick out of the top of the water, real cool. Oh, they slipped down a second later, okay then. More noodle power to ya.

Now I have to mix it all together, as if that is an easy task. Why would you combine really long noodles with a mixture? How is it supposed to get in the cracks and spread evenly? This would have been better with bow ties. Does it even matter what type of pasta I use? I HAVE QUESTIONS! I wonder if there is a recipe hotline. 1-800-RECIPE-HLP

I’m really glad I didn’t use the 3 gloves of garlic because this tastes like a pile of garlic. Joe ain’t mad doe.

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And the cats are all like, facepalm. facebutt. faceplant. faceplace.   IMG_0955

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Make your own mac n cheese they says, it’ll be easy they says…

Happy New Year!

Last year I made some mac n cheese and while a lot of dumb happened, it tasted like a lot of good.

“Easy Southwest Mac N Cheese” – easy they says…

I look at the list of ingredients and the first thing I notice is that I don’t like half of them. But I like mac n cheese, so I guess this will end up good. One thing I am definitely omitting is the onions, onions are not mac nor cheese in my experience, so it’s gotta be ok. Everything else can stay, for now.

First I need a big ol’ pot for just the garlic. Why such a big pot for just garlic? Do I put the garlic in the nutcracker press? I’ve never not done that with garlic, is this supposed to be different? I swore I read it 5 times and saw nothing about that. Because I am home alone, I text my trusty side kick Jackie. She says “are you sure it doesn’t say mince somewhere?” Oh, sure enough, it does! I was also doubling the recipe so it becomes like 4 little nubbies of garlic, pressed (minced? same thing?) into the big ol’ pot. Seems like a lot. This part you are supposed to combine with an onion, but I say hell no to onions. The recipe says that they should be “soft and transparent”, so I’m waiting for the garlic to appear this way and it’s just turning brown. Guess that means I burned it. Can I still eat it? Did I ruin the whole thing? I don’t care, lettuce keep going.

Turns out the transparent thing was about the onions, not the garlic. Good to know, thanks a lot, not specific directions. Not to mention the directions say “saute”, excuse me? Come again? You could at least throw a link in there to explain what “saute” is. You know I don’t speak mexican!

Here the cats are, trying to escape in case I burn the house down…

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Next was easy: Drain the diced tomatoes, then add them to the pot with the frozen corn and chili powder. Continue to sauté until the corn has heated through. At this point I assume saute means just leave the burner on and stir. Why can’t we just say that instead? I also never trust recipes with spices, they always call for so little of the spice. What is the point if you’re only using a little bit? I say go big or go home. I might regret this shortly.

Turn the heat off and add the drained pasta and Greek yogurt. Oooooooh okay now I get why we are using sucha big pot. I don’t particularly like yogurt either, but I am trusting this recipe here.

Stir until the pasta is coated in the creamy sauce. Add the cheese and stir until the residual heat has melted it into the sauce. If you pasta has cooled too much to melt the cheese, keep the burner on low as you stir the cheese into the sauce. Didn’t have to worry about that last part, thank jeebus.

Serve hot sprinkled with the sliced green onions. Well, my green onions were a bit old. I sent a picture to my trusty side kick to see if I could still use them. Just had to cut some bad parts off. I didn’t realize that they needed to be chopped super fine, I had chopped them kind of big. I don’t particularly like green onions, but it probably made sense for this recipe.

All in all, it was actually very good! The burnt garlic didn’t ruin it, though I did use a lot because it was a bit spicy for me.

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Fire Roasted Slip -n- Slide

I am a fan of quick dinners. Preheat the oven and bake for 10 minutes, I’m there! Pizza sounds like a good, simple, easy dinner to make, right? Wrong.

We have slowly gotten better at making pizza. We started out by cooking it on a cookie sheet then we upgraded to using a pizza stone. We went from using shredded mozz to real mozz. We upgraded our brand and flavor of pizza sauce. We even went from using a knife to using a pizza slicer rolly guy jammy.

We even tried different types of dough – going from the usual Bobboli or whatever it’s called, to garlic dough from Trader Joe’s that you need to roll out and then we tried Naan. Naan is damn good! But of course we wait too long to make it and it goes bad quickly. Target only had thin crust doughs by Archer Farms this time around. I figured if they only had thin crust than people must like it so I shall try it, right? Wrong.

So we have this brilliant idea of using real mozz circles, tomato slices, classico pizza sauce and this fancy thin crust that says something about being fire roasted. If something says it’s fire roasted, I automatically assume it’s going to be good. We assemble this pizza on a cookie sheet at first and my god is it beautiful. I wish I had a picture of it, that shit was laid out niiiiiiice. We got this cool pizza baclamber for Christmas to help move the pizza on and off the stone. What is it called, pizza…peel! This whole thing seems like a simple deal, right? Wrong.

Time to take the delicious pizza out of the oven! And, well, there are no words…that shit just starts fallin off the crust like a slip n slide.

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That shit slid right off the crust onto the stone. We can’t remove the stone because it’s too damn hot. Some of it starts dripping down into the oven (our brand new, non self cleaning oven). I grab the cookie sheet so we can try and scoop what is left onto it. Somehow we get most of it into a big sloppy mess.

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While the pizza stone is covered in crap now. Anyone know how you wash those things? Apprently it isn’t suppossed to be “washed” so it can save its “flavors”. I never undersood things like that, people tell you to not clean something so you can cook again in your old shit and mix your new shit which apparently makes even more delicious shit. Doubtful. Now hand me the soap.

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We decide to eat it anyways, open up the cabinet and these cups come tumbling down and land on top of the pizza. JESUS BECKY! I just want to freakin’ eat ya’ll!

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So we eat it anyways, and it tastes just fine. I guess it didn’t need to be pretty in order to eat it.

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The best part? Our plumbing is screwy so we can’t use real dishes, the kitchen sink or dishwasher in order to clean this mess up. Better get our tongues ready because that’s all we got to get this shit clean.

This was the biggest fail that has happened in a long time. The cats didn’t even know what to do with us. So they just ate each other instead.

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I need an adult-wich

Sometimes your cat just isn’t enough, and you need an adult.

I tried to make Manwich so it would be ready when Joe got home, I almost failed.

Before I tell you about my failure, I must tell you about Manwich.

First of all, a can of Manwich is vegetarian. Read the ingredients, no meat son.

Now, get yourself some Morning Star veggie crumbles. Or any ground beef meat subsitute will do.

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In 10 minutes tops, you will have yourself a delicious sloppy joe. (Not to be confused with my Joe, he’s not getting sloppy)

Start the veggie crumbles heating up in a pan for a few minutes.

Meanwhile, open your can of Manwich. That is, if you can. You might need an adult if your can opener breaks apart in your hands.

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If there is no adult around, ask your cat to help. Though they will probably respond by saying they have no thumbs and cannot be of service. Or they will just stare at you in disbelief making you feel even worse about yourself than you already do in that moment. If they do actually respond to you with words, go see a doctor, stat.

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If you can’t put your can opener back together, try openng it with a knife, or scissors, or a fork, or your own hands. Don’t cut yourself.

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By this time, your veggie crumbles are probably heated up enough and are ready for their sloppy toppings. Go ahead and shake the can vigorously over top of the veggie crumbles, it will slowly ooze out of the little holes you have created with your can opening devices. A few hours later, the can should be empty.

Now you can stir that bad boy around for a few minutes.

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As soon as it’s finished, an adult will walk through the door. Had they arrived a few moments earlier, they could have helped you to open the can the right way. But hey, who needs ’em! I got the job done!

Vegetarian Manwich is delicious and simple, don’t knock it until you try it.

(There was no cursing in the making of this dinner)

Black Bean Papyrus Wraps

I feel like if you put the word “Papyrus” into the title of something then people automatically think it’s something fancy. But as you know, I hate papyrus. Nothing with papyrus in the title is of any good to you, take my word for it! No, not even the cards. So now you can imagine how upset I was when I had to buy tortillas that used the font papyrus, and oh they used it loud and proud! I expected more for, you, Goya!

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This idea blossomed from my favorite (and only) recipe site, Budget Bytes. I then mentioned it to my oh so domestic friend, Jackie, who helped my further.

This recipe calls for black beans, fire roasted tomatoes, spinach, and cheese of course.

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Step 1: Drain beans
Step 2: Drain tomatoes
My wall block: I hate having to dirty more dishes then I need to, especially when we only have 2 strainers to begin with. Fuck this shit, both these bitches are going in the same strainer. Mix mix mix!
Step 3: Put some oil in then pan… Wtf is SOME? I obviously put too much. The first piece was COATED in oil. Is “some” a scientific measurement?!
Step 4: Turn burner to medium high.
My wall block: This is my biggest complaint about directions, what is medium high?! Can’t you just give me a number! I always screw this one up. I guess we’ll go with 5 even though 5 is right in the middle so one would think that is medium not medium high.
Step 5: Pull out your tortilla from the ugly ass papyrus covered package and place it in frying pan
Step 6: Add ingredients and trust yourself to place them properly and to not make a mess in the pan (ha!)
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Step 7: Fold over tortilla and wait some unspecified amount of time which means its going to burn or not cook at all so when you try to flip it, it all falls apart on you
Step 8: Use 2 spatulas to flip because you are handicap
Step 9: Put that shit in your mouth hole

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This one turned out pretty delicious minus the first one that was all oily that Joe was forced to eat. Trust yourself while cooking in 2013, neighbors.

Meanwhile, Dozey was searching for something behind the fridge…

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