Fire Roasted Slip -n- Slide

I am a fan of quick dinners. Preheat the oven and bake for 10 minutes, I’m there! Pizza sounds like a good, simple, easy dinner to make, right? Wrong.

We have slowly gotten better at making pizza. We started out by cooking it on a cookie sheet then we upgraded to using a pizza stone. We went from using shredded mozz to real mozz. We upgraded our brand and flavor of pizza sauce. We even went from using a knife to using a pizza slicer rolly guy jammy.

We even tried different types of dough – going from the usual Bobboli or whatever it’s called, to garlic dough from Trader Joe’s that you need to roll out and then we tried Naan. Naan is damn good! But of course we wait too long to make it and it goes bad quickly. Target only had thin crust doughs by Archer Farms this time around. I figured if they only had thin crust than people must like it so I shall try it, right? Wrong.

So we have this brilliant idea of using real mozz circles, tomato slices, classico pizza sauce and this fancy thin crust that says something about being fire roasted. If something says it’s fire roasted, I automatically assume it’s going to be good. We assemble this pizza on a cookie sheet at first and my god is it beautiful. I wish I had a picture of it, that shit was laid out niiiiiiice. We got this cool pizza baclamber for Christmas to help move the pizza on and off the stone. What is it called, pizza…peel! This whole thing seems like a simple deal, right? Wrong.

Time to take the delicious pizza out of the oven! And, well, there are no words…that shit just starts fallin off the crust like a slip n slide.

IMG_0001

That shit slid right off the crust onto the stone. We can’t remove the stone because it’s too damn hot. Some of it starts dripping down into the oven (our brand new, non self cleaning oven). I grab the cookie sheet so we can try and scoop what is left onto it. Somehow we get most of it into a big sloppy mess.

IMG_0003

While the pizza stone is covered in crap now. Anyone know how you wash those things? Apprently it isn’t suppossed to be “washed” so it can save its “flavors”. I never undersood things like that, people tell you to not clean something so you can cook again in your old shit and mix your new shit which apparently makes even more delicious shit. Doubtful. Now hand me the soap.

IMG_0002

We decide to eat it anyways, open up the cabinet and these cups come tumbling down and land on top of the pizza. JESUS BECKY! I just want to freakin’ eat ya’ll!

IMG_0004

So we eat it anyways, and it tastes just fine. I guess it didn’t need to be pretty in order to eat it.

IMG_0005

The best part? Our plumbing is screwy so we can’t use real dishes, the kitchen sink or dishwasher in order to clean this mess up. Better get our tongues ready because that’s all we got to get this shit clean.

This was the biggest fail that has happened in a long time. The cats didn’t even know what to do with us. So they just ate each other instead.

IMG_3693

Advertisements

Cheese is accidentally delicious

Here is a true failure for ya.

My friend Brea sent me this recipe for broccoli and cheese stuffed chicken, the concept sounded simple.

I started reading the recipe and it says some crazy nonsense about doing art with your cheese. I do not feel like cutting it up into triangles and trapizoids, I just want to eat it!

I decided that I would just stick a chunk of cheese and piece of broccoli and roll that bitch up… Sweet, chicken isn’t long enough to roll up. The recipe also said something about toothpicks to hold it all together, but I am not down with getting a splinter in my food.

I decided to just lay the chicken out, stick some cheese and a piece of broccoli on top and see what happens. Great, now my pan is too small and i have to dirty another one, I hate when this happens!

IMG_0500

Brea called me and suggested that I use a meat tenderizer to beat my meat with in order to make the pieces longer. But I have no such tool, maybe someone wants to buy me one? While on the phone with Brea, Joe starts yelling to me that the water for the potatoes keeps boiling over. We just moved and are using a cooktop now, which we need to get used to using apparently.
Next comes the great debate of bread crumbs:

  1. The directions say for frying so Joe thinks I can’t use them for baking, but I’ve seen people use these!
  2.  I read the directions and notice there is a section title FOR BAKING!
  3.  It says I need an egg or milk… I have no eggs and we discuss that a milk would be too thin
  4.  Good thing I have Brea to tell me to use olive oil!
  5.  Whoops, I spilled it all over the pan like no body’s business.
  6. Whatever.

IMG_0501

In the mean time, I need to cook the rest of this bag of broccoli, but it is one of those steam in bag things and it says not to puncture bag before putting into microwave. I was about to ignore it and stick it in the microwave, when Joe decided to read the rest of the directions. Oh look at that, you can actually eat it raw or steam on the stove. Let’s steam this bitch! mmmmmmm! (Lesson learned: we never read ALL of the directions!)

IMG_0502

IMG_0503

Ok guys, prepare yourselves… This shit was so delicious! Here I thought I was using pepper jack cheese when it turns out it was jalapeño and Cayenne pepper. Thanks for tricking me, Joe. But it was nice because the taste from the cheese spread over everything. Accidental cheese is yummy. It’s great that what started out looking like a disaster, turned out to be really good! And easy too 😉

Funny though because this picture makes it look real gross:

IMG_0505

And don’t worry, the potatoes that we’re boiling over earlier, they survived:

IMG_0507

Dozey is enjoying her new counter top, ya;ll:

IMG_0468

Don’t feed TV Dinners to your cat, or to yourself…

TV Dinners are such devious little bastards. Since you can’t blame an inanimate object for something, as much as I would like to, I’m going to have to find a person to blame.

Photographers and Marketers. Sorry guys and gals, but you are to blame. Where do you come up with these photos for the cover of TV Dinners? I swear you walk into some 5 star restaurant, snap some pictures, and paste them onto the cardboard box that this space food is contained in. When your food comes in a cardboard box, I think that is the first sign that you shouldn’t eat it.

But I fall for these scams every so often. Never go to the grocery store hungry, or you’ll come home with a bunch of shitty TV Dinners. I don’t know why I am so surprised every time it comes out of the microwave. What? I thought that the microwave zapped it into the beautiful goodness that it looks like on the box. I’m not sure what is more scary – the TV Dinner frozen or after it’s been microwaved. They should have a contest – whose TV Dinner looks the closest to the picture on the box? Or better yet, whose TV Dinner looks the most opposite then the picture on the box?

On this day, I bought the TV Dinner made by Banquet because I was told there would be lots of coupons inside. Why did I think that the coupons would be for various other things in the store and not JUST Banquet products? How dare I think-outside-the-brand. (I should TM that)

Growing up, I ate a lot of TV Dinners because when you’re a kid, eating disgusting food is great. My BFF Tisha (mentioned in my first post!) had this nack for not following the directions. Which she is damn right in that notion because the directions are a pain in my freakin ass…

“Remove the film cover off of the chicken nuggets, but not off of the mac n cheese, and poke holes in the film cover above the brownie. Replace film cover for the last minute of microwave zapping and don’t forget to double tap”

Like, WHAT?! With that being said, I still couldn’t ignore the directions (insert psychological diagnoses of why I couldn’t do that here).

The directions on this particular TV Dinner really did say what I said above, minus the double tap. It also said to “move the chicken nuggets around”… move them around?! Do you mean, flip them? Who writes these things anyways! In art school we always did this task where one person writes down a set of directions while the other person follows them word for word. There is a reason you learn this task before moving on to a real mans job. So you don’t confuse idiots like me! Oh, and so you can be credible and make sense and be a real goddamn human being adult idiot child face head (TM).

Who knew you could go on this long about TV Dinners?

The pudding always ends up with corn in it. The brownie always tastes like the mac n cheese. The mac n cheese is always half frozen. The chicken nuggets are probably made of soy. “My child will never be a vegetarian” – good luck with that, pretty sure you’re feeding them soy 9 times out of 10.

Who are these things packaged by anyways? I bet the Marketers do all the work, even make the food, thats why it’s so shitty.

(this all coming from a gal who works around many Marketers, Photographers, and Photoshop-extraordinares)

Do not feed your cats, kids, or yourself TV Dinners folks. If you do, make sure you exercise it out, like so:

The Internet Failed Me #1

In this day and age, the Internet (did you know you’re supposed to capitalize the I in Internet? crazy!) can be such a great place. You can find just about anything, why ask people questions when you can just Google it? But, the Internet always fails me in my cooking adventures. That was another option for the title of this blog – The Internet Failed Me dot com.

Let me tell you how the internet failed me in making French Toast.

1. This is the first problem I saw: Dip the bread slices into the mixture you’ve made in the bowl

I understand that people have been making french toast for a bajillion years now by dipping the bread into the bowl, but why did no one notice that bread is SQUARE and a bowl is ROUND?! This boggles my mind. It’s like that game you played when you were little with the wood blocks, trying to fit the right shapes into the right holes. You would bang and bang the circle onto the octagon shape swearing that it should work! But even a child wouldn’t make this mistake, a square into a circle, really?! This idea is SO flawed.

How I messed it up (because a square doesn’t fit into a circle) – The first part of the bread that gets dipped in is super soggy, I flip it over and that side gets covered with the mixture at just the right amount. So I think “Yes! I did it!” Nope, what about the middle of the bread that didn’t even touch the mixture because it’s a damn bowl and this is a damn piece of bread! Another mishap was that the bread got so soggy on the one side, that it just fell apart! (It also doesn’t help that I’m using Target brand bread…)

Fail.

2. Second problem: Fry the soaked bread on one side until golden brown, then turn and fry other side until browned. Or use a nonstick pan, or add the butter in a frying pan ordinary, to avoid the French toast stick to the pan.

There is so many things wrong with this piece of direction.

a.) I can’t see the side that is face down, so how do I know when it is golden brown? This step was the SAME on every website I looked at, no one wanted to give a time limit. Not even a ball park estimate. Really people?

b.) If I use a nonstick pan, do I still use butter? And wtf does “ordinary” mean in this sentence? I blame the brits. Well, I used the nonstick pan AND butter and guess what people? It was still sticking.

3. What about the temperature on the stove? Low heat? Medium? High? Come on people, details!

How I messed it up – Each piece was cooked differently. Mostly wasn’t cooked long enough, fell apart, stuck to the pan… I tried different heats on the stove, didn’t change much. In the end it tasted like toast with a dash of cinnamon. Some spots tasted like straight up egg and I was worried I was going to die of the plague.

Really, Internet? Help a girl out!

You know what is a way better idea then making French Toast? Going to Denny’s and getting a bangin’ breakfast for $5.99. Although my cat did not enjoy this sausage:

cats can’t reupholster because they have no thumbs…but I do!

Let me introduce you to the place I sit and eat. (Disclaimer: If you are offended by animals at the dinner table, then I would never read my blog again.) This is my seat. That is my cat in my seat. This is an often occurrence. When I am ready to sit down, she normally moves into the other chair, which we call, “her seat”. Anyways. On to the disaster story of the day…

My mom gave me this table and chair set, which is a very well-made set. But I am sorry mom, the cushions were not my style. Perfect opportunity for a crafting disaster project! I took myself to the fabric store and picked out the one that made me the most dizzy. I have no clue how I measured for the perfect amount of fabric, that normally doesn’t work out in my favor.

Luckily, Joe’s mom came over that night and helped me with a plan to get the fabric nicely onto the cushion. The one she did fit perfectly and looked amazing like an ice cream sundae on a warm caturday afternoon. Now it was my turn to tackle the rest of the chairs…

Backstory: Joe and I had 2 roommates, Frank (who has a sweet mustache) and Amanda (who sings everything she says). Both from Essex, Maryland. When they moved in, Frank said to me “Oh man, Amanda is going to teach you so much Essex language”.

I googled for an example of some “Essex language” so you can get an idea of what I am talking about: “Oh my gawd, Tommy! Dat guy in da South Pole shirt just sed scuse me and shit and I dint move-tryin to walk an shit- an he said it ‘gen and kepp goin”! (Disclaimer #2: I am not trying to offend anyone here, Amanda talks just beautifully, but having this information is going to make the next part of the story give you a chuckle…)

Back to the story…

Amanda is helping me now with “reupholstering” (I don’t know why I put that word in quotes, it’s just such a strange word to me) these chairs. We’re having a crazy old time trying to get the fabric to sit right and this is how the conversation goes:

A: “Pull it taught”

Me: “What?”

A: “Pull it taught!”

Me: “Is that an Essex word?!”

A: “What? No! Pull it, tight!”

Me: “Did you mean to say tight instead?”

A: “No, you’ve never heard the word taught?!”

… there you are people. I was really hoping to learn some “Essex language”, but a “real word” will do.

Overall, our reupholstering project was a success. If you look underneath of the chairs, it definitely looks like a hot mess. But who will be looking under there? Besides the cat of course.

(Disclaimer #3: When I refer to “we” or “our” in a project, it usually means the other person did most of the work.)

To show you that we put this bad boy to use. (Bad boy meaning the table and chairs) Here is what I ate last night, this is something I actually know how to make:

(Oh boy, I need better photography skills. At least I caught the cat in the background.)

Pasta noodles (that I never cook all the way), tomato basil sauce (that I spilled all over myself), left over chicken, and a bag of frozen stir-fry veggies (that I put in the microwave). Yes I eat it out of the pot, why waste another dish?

cats can’t cook…and neither can I…

In the second grade, I met Tisha. We have both made it to be a quarter of a century old together, bravo! In the fourth grade, we decided we shouldn’t be partners together for school projects. This is because of my lack of craftiness. She learned quickly to not let me cut anything or it wouldn’t be straight, to not let me attempt to draw straight lines (even with a ruler), to not let me paste anything or you would see the glue or tape seeping out from behind the object, and so on. Thank jeebus she learned this about me early on, otherwise I don’t think we would have made it to a quarter of a century old together.

The moral of the story is, I’m not allowed to do anything crafty alone. Some sort of disaster always happens. The irony here, and not the Alanis Morrisette kind of irony, is that I went to design school. How did I make it through 4 years of art school being crafty-capped? It’s a good thing I took a liking to coding instead of designing. (Thanks, Mark!)

This same rule applies to cooking. Now that I’ve been out in the real world away from my easy-mac making college student friends, everyone is so creative with their food. I thought, hey with the use of the Internet, I could be creative too! Yeah, no, the Internet fails me every time. Although I never even mastered how to make easy-mac so maybe I shouldn’t be trying harder things.

A project of mine never starts without calling my mom first and never ends without my boyfriend, Joe, walking in on the wack-ass final result. I feel sorry for them. Lucky Tisha, she never had to live with me.

During the project is the best part though. My cat, Bull Dozer (Dozey for short), is always there for me along the way to step all over the pieces of my project. Or waits to try a bite of whatever I made. She is the real champion in this process of mine.

(Screw everything I just said, this blog is to make Dozey famous, somehow, someway!)

If you’re into laughing at disasters, fowl language, and cats – then stick around!