Don’t feed TV Dinners to your cat, or to yourself…

TV Dinners are such devious little bastards. Since you can’t blame an inanimate object for something, as much as I would like to, I’m going to have to find a person to blame.

Photographers and Marketers. Sorry guys and gals, but you are to blame. Where do you come up with these photos for the cover of TV Dinners? I swear you walk into some 5 star restaurant, snap some pictures, and paste them onto the cardboard box that this space food is contained in. When your food comes in a cardboard box, I think that is the first sign that you shouldn’t eat it.

But I fall for these scams every so often. Never go to the grocery store hungry, or you’ll come home with a bunch of shitty TV Dinners. I don’t know why I am so surprised every time it comes out of the microwave. What? I thought that the microwave zapped it into the beautiful goodness that it looks like on the box. I’m not sure what is more scary – the TV Dinner frozen or after it’s been microwaved. They should have a contest – whose TV Dinner looks the closest to the picture on the box? Or better yet, whose TV Dinner looks the most opposite then the picture on the box?

On this day, I bought the TV Dinner made by Banquet because I was told there would be lots of coupons inside. Why did I think that the coupons would be for various other things in the store and not JUST Banquet products? How dare I think-outside-the-brand. (I should TM that)

Growing up, I ate a lot of TV Dinners because when you’re a kid, eating disgusting food is great. My BFF Tisha (mentioned in my first post!) had this nack for not following the directions. Which she is damn right in that notion because the directions are a pain in my freakin ass…

“Remove the film cover off of the chicken nuggets, but not off of the mac n cheese, and poke holes in the film cover above the brownie. Replace film cover for the last minute of microwave zapping and don’t forget to double tap”

Like, WHAT?! With that being said, I still couldn’t ignore the directions (insert psychological diagnoses of why I couldn’t do that here).

The directions on this particular TV Dinner really did say what I said above, minus the double tap. It also said to “move the chicken nuggets around”… move them around?! Do you mean, flip them? Who writes these things anyways! In art school we always did this task where one person writes down a set of directions while the other person follows them word for word. There is a reason you learn this task before moving on to a real mans job. So you don’t confuse idiots like me! Oh, and so you can be credible and make sense and be a real goddamn human being adult idiot child face head (TM).

Who knew you could go on this long about TV Dinners?

The pudding always ends up with corn in it. The brownie always tastes like the mac n cheese. The mac n cheese is always half frozen. The chicken nuggets are probably made of soy. “My child will never be a vegetarian” – good luck with that, pretty sure you’re feeding them soy 9 times out of 10.

Who are these things packaged by anyways? I bet the Marketers do all the work, even make the food, thats why it’s so shitty.

(this all coming from a gal who works around many Marketers, Photographers, and Photoshop-extraordinares)

Do not feed your cats, kids, or yourself TV Dinners folks. If you do, make sure you exercise it out, like so:

Shit People Say…

This first statement will follow my blogs theme, the rest will not.

I walked into the grocery store and see all of the baked beans in front of me. I’ve been eating vegetarian baked beans for a few years now because of Joe. So I said out loud, “all baked beans taste the same who cares” and the guy stocking the shelves was shocked at my statement and said “did you just say all beans taste the same?!?!” Why yes sir, I did. I’m sorry my taste buds are not skilled in the world of beans like your own.

Yesterday while in Walgreens, I’m texting away and this older black lady that was buying Depends came up to me and said “I want to give you this…” I swear the paper said “DEATH, what?” As I was glancing at it she was saying some nonsense about how she wants it to bless me and how she is blessed and is blessing me. Lady, I didn’t sneeze. I handed it back to her saying “I don’t want…” she said “oh you don’t want it?” Then she went on her way purchasing her Depends. WTF just happened? All the while Joe thought the paper said “Deaf” not “Death” which is really just a whole nother story.

Now I wonder what I must look like to God loving creatures – apparently I need to be saved and blessed and shit.

A bar that we frequent called the Rec Room held some interesting characters the past 2 weeks. Let me introduce Doctor Craig to you…

Allie and I were sitting at a table discussing jobs, life, and kittens when Doctor Craig approached us.He guessed our ages and occupations: Allie is a 28 year old nurse while I am a 25 year old shoe salesmen who is flat broke, according to 27 year old Greg who is a doctor of physical therapy.

When asked what we wanted most out of life, he mistook the word kitties for titties. I mean, who wouldn’t? His girlfriend is studying physical therapy in North Carolina. I bet she is banging some hot physical therapist and now Doctor Craig is depressed and trying to compensate. (I kept thinking he was saying Craig not Greg that’s why we named him that).

He kept disappearing and coming back to our table. The second time he started asking his about our finacees (?) and said “Wait, are you engaged? Yeah, you are. I know you. I talked to you earlier” (?!?!???) Then he asked if we were sure we wanted to get married, he believed Allie but didn’t believe me HAHA! I’m not gonna lie, shit was hilarious.

In between Doctor Craig’s visits, this muscely dude with a cross necklace came up and tried to strike conversation. He was really bad at it and got some awful stares from us. So he decided to bring up Doctor Craig as his point of conversation. I guess he thought he would save us from the drunk guy, when really this guy needed some saving of his own. Maybe I should refer him to “DEATH, what?” lady. He gave up quickly and ran off.

The week before which was Frank’s birthday had some interesting series of events (the boys were dressed in suits, FYI):

  • Creepy guy bought Amanda a drink
  • Creepy guy asked me to dance, but I couldn’t hear him, when I finally understood him I said “No” with a giant attitude
  • Creepy guy in a hawiian shirt bought everyone shots, talked to Frank about anime, and was trying to pick Frank up
  • Outside a guy pushed another guy into Amanda
  • I watched a girl pick her front wedgie
  • A girl burped in my face

I. Hate. Bars. And. Drunk. People.

In conclusion, a lady at Bed, Bath, and Beyond sold me this odor eliminating stuff that is suppossed to really work! But it has Papyrus all over it. I was going to tell her I didn’t want to buy it for that reason alone, but I knew she wouldn’t have known what that meant. She was a great sales lady, so I bought it, especially because I would love odors to go away. If it doesn’t work, I’m taking it back and throwing it in her Papyrus loving ass face. (Since I brought up Papyrus, now I can tag this post with typography…or lack there of)

This is what Dozey was doing while I was typing this: