Thug Kitchen is my Spirit Animal

I spent a whole Saturday reading through the first Thug Kitchen cookbook and then that week ahead I spent the whole week making recipes from it. They were devine recipes, language and all.

If you don’t know about Thug Kitchen, you need to peep dat shit. I’m pretty sure Thug Kitchen is my spirit animal. I hope no one thinks I’m trying to copy them by the way I write, I just, I get it.

The first thing you need to know is that they use some ris-kay language. Which is GREAT. It really makes the recipe reading hold your attention. And they call you out if they know you’re being a little bitch. I need that in my life, because I am often being a little bitch.

The cookbook had so much more than just recipes. There was a section on how to marinate and bake tofu. I’ve been doing this for years now and have never tried it the way they presented it. I am turnin’ dat oven up to 11 next time I bake some mother fuckin’ tofu.

They give a nice list of must-haves for the kitchen to get your started, from kitchen utensils to kitchen cabinet essentials. I felt pretty good to know that I already had all of these things. Hell yeah, just a modern day cooking artist right here. Note: Melon Baller was NOT on the list. Fuck that thing.

The most helpful section to me was about learning how to substitute ingredients in a recipe. If you don’t have this, just use this. BUT don’t try to substitute a green pepper for an onion because that shit just isn’t the same. And what did I do during my week of trying Thug Kitchen recipes? For every recipe I tried, I forgot an ingredient or 2 and tried to substitute. Some were successful, some were not. I could hear them cursing at me in my head each time I fucked up the dish. More on that later.

I guess what you really need to know is that Thug Kitchen is a vegan cookbook. Though I feel like if I never told you that, you wouldn’t have been able to guess it. The recipes are so rich in flavor and full of ingredients that you don’t even notice the meat is missing. Even the cheese. We made tacos without cheese and it was still baller. The healthy ingredients are off the chart, your heart will be feelin’ extra strong after a week of Thug Kitchen.

I went through the whole book and didn’t write any of my favorites down. I was like shit, I have to go back through this book again to find dinners for this week? Luckily, our trusty friend Aaron was here to handle this for me. He flipped to random pages and those were the dinners for the week – easy peasy! Unless you’re Aaron, it probably wasn’t so easy for him. I say this because I am a difficult person.

Here is an example:
He flips to tofu tacos. While this excites me, I am also immediately against it because it combines tofu and tacos which means that we cannot have a taco dish or a tofu dish again during the week. He is flabbergasted. He explains to me that there are very different types of tacos in this book, I could have tacos all week long if I wanted to. Same with tofu, there are many different flavor profiles that tofu can have, so why not have it more than once a week? He goes on to say how tofu is a bean, just like black beans, which is also something I only like to have once a week. Well, folks, we had a week of different types of beans thanks to Aaron convincing me that I am ridiculous.

The weeks menu looked like this:
1. White bean and lentil burgers with fries
2. 5 spice chinese stir fry
3. BBQ bean burger with peach salsa
4. Tofu scramble tacos

The grocery list was long AF. I asked if I had to get real broccoli as apposed to the frozen broccoli I already had. Aaron insisted I do so. I told him this was too much fresh produce! He said “it’s one section of the grocery store!” Ok fine, you win. What happens when we get to the store? Joe is like, “why do we need all this produce?” BECAUSE AARON SAID SO THAT’S WHY.

It was fun cooking with things I have never cooked with before though. Aaron got a picture of our dinner every night that week only to be upset he wasn’t there to eat it with us.

Hold on to your butts, this is going to be a wild week of vegan cooking. Stay tuned to hear how I fucked these recipes up.

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Failed Improv

It’s been a year since I last updated and don’t get your hopes up that this means I will update again. This must also mean that I have more confidence in cooking and fail less. That one is up for debate. Here’s a story about how I failed at thinking I could make up a recipe.

Things I Had:
– 3 pounds of yukon gold potatoes
– frozen morning star fachikin
– 1 avocado
– a bunch of spices
– an old red onion

Things I Didn’t Have:
– everything else.

The recipe I tried to make was called Roasted Potato Cups with Loaded Guacamole which was inspired by http://potluck.ohmyveggies.com/roasted-potato-cups-loaded-guacamole/

I thought I could dress up the potatoes with the taco-ish spices and then stuff smashed avocado and a piece of fake chicken inside. Sounds good, right? Errrrr.

Step 1:
– Cut potatoes in half
– Scoop out potato flesh with melon baller or teaspoon
– You can bake the potato flesh balls and it will be like a tater tot

My Step 1:
– Ok I’ve cut the potato in half, but there’s still a big chunk left here in the middle
– What is a melon baller?
– Is this a different kind of teaspoon then the usual measuring device? Is there something I don’t know about teaspoons? Do they double as knifes? How is a round thing supposed to puncture a raw potato?
– Dig a spoon into the potato as hard as you can, which is not very hard, and nearly impossible
– Try to use a knife to cut a hole and then scoop out with spoon. How do I make a knife cut round? Whoops wen’t all the way through the potato with that slice.
– Are the potatoes going to cook if I barely cut any flesh out?
– Give up after a few potatoes and just cut into fries

Step 2:
– Bake the shit
– Prepare the shit to stuff with

My Step 2:
– Shit bakes unevenly because different sizes
– Microwave weird morning star fachikin strips that are nearly freezer burned and feel super rubbery
– Taste weird fachikin
– Cry.
– Cut the avocado and worry that it is too far gone to eat

Now, we eat. Or we don’t eat. Depending on how you feel about this mess.

Lessons Learned:
– Potatoes make everything better, but nothing can make a weird fachikin better
– Avocados are delicious, but guac is better
– Lucky Charms for dinner is good too.

This look was appropriate (this image size is pretty appropriate too):
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I’m good at something!

I decided one rainy night that I wanted, what I call, “A Frank Dinner” (AFD!). The main ingredient in an AFD! is garlic. You basically want to leave your house smelling like garlic for days and have to brush your teeth 2-3 times to smell normal again. The only downside is the vampires it attracts.

An AFD! also typically consists of salmon and a green vegetable. I devise the plan for lemon pepper salmon and rosemary roasted potatoes and asparagus. Of course, all of this is covered in garlic too.

I had never cooked salmon in a frying pan, never roasted potatoes successfully, and never roasted asparagus. YORO (You Only Roast Once)…

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Things:

  1. I was told that different types of potatoes need to roast at different temperatures. So I googled red potatoes this time for ultimate success
  2. I’ve got this garlic mincer, but how do I get it equally across everything? Welp, I’ll just toss it all over and hope for the best (same with the rosemary)
  3. I dribbled olive oil all over everything a tablespoon at a time
  4. Salmon in a pan, hmmm.
  5. Salmon in a pan.
  6. PUT THE SALMON IN THE PAN!
  7. Heat the olive oil in the pan first?
  8. Heat the olive oil in the pan second?
  9. Just do it already.
  10. Sprinkle so much lemon pepper on the salmon that it looks like a mass pepper murder
  11. 5 min each side, wow this is working…
  12. Oh I got this handy dandy meat thermometer, let’s use that…
  13. IT’S GOOD!

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The verdict: “Wow, you’ve been lying to me this whole time, you really can cook” – Joe.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh.

It’s safe to say the house and us smelled like garlic for days. AFD! success! The rosemary also got everywhere. It’s like the herpes of cooking, can’t get rid of it!

Stay tuned to find out how repeating this recipe resulted in a few fails…

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Knife choppin’

I really need to learn how to use a knife. I remember going to get one for Joe as a present and there was a knife guy in the store. He asked me to step up to the cutting board and try the knife out and it was super embarrassing. Apparently you need to stand a certain way. Right because my legs have to do with my hands, that makes sense. It’s just like sports with having to have the right form and shit. I don’t do “form”. I do things the Jess way.

I tried to cut a lemon to make flavored water. And, well, this is what I ended up with as trash:

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Im not sure how/why I wasted so much of it. Alls I know is you gotta cut the butts off! Hey, at least I used a serrated knife.

Onions are quite possibly the worst. I’m feeling all good about my cutting ability as I get it down to four pieces. Then it falls apart like a Jenga game. I also feel like I have to hold my breath while cutting it. As soon as I breathe, all hell breaks loose in my eyes, nose, and throat. I try all the silly tricks like putting a spoon in my mouth. I think next time I’ll wear goggles. Oh my eyes, they burn! I do find it fun when you get down to smaller pieces, you can just start chopping in every direction along the cutting board. But when you eat my food, you definitely are not going to get even pieces of onion in your dish. Srs I’m not srs.

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While we are on the topic of onions, can we discuss purchasing them for a moment? I am looking for a yellow onion in the store. Sure, my eyes see a yellow one. But yellow doesn’t always mean yellow, stranger things have happened. The sign says “onions sweet”. Oh, okay. THAT DOESN’T HELP ME. Is it white or yellow? Do I need it to be sweet? Is a yellow onion sweet? Is a white onion the same as a yellow onion then? I HAVE QUESTIONS PEOPLE.

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I’ve been seeing commercials for The Worst Cooks in America and I’ve come to find out that they’re doing a celebrity edition. This makes me feel better about not getting a call back *glare* BUT they are advertising not knowing how to use a knife. Me either dudes, me either. I’m not sure I would survive on that show simply because I can’t get the basics down. Oh the messes I have made.

I prefer to just break things apart, like these delicious Hello Kitty cookies. Break, bake, and go!

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I’m just going to become a shark and cut things with my teeth instead.

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The Worst Cook in America

Getting married is awesome because you obtain a bunch of new kitchen supplies. Most of which I do not know how to use. But I will say that they make attempting to cook more enjoyable. I couldn’t tell you what half the nonsense was in Crate and Barrel where we did our registry. Do we need this? What is this? Why is it this shape? I guess we are going to find out in the coming months while we attempt to use these new fancy bojangles.

I watch a lot of Food Network, which doesn’t aid me in my cooking techniques at all, but hey it’s entertaining. One day I caught an episode of the show The Worst Cooks In America. I thought to myself, holy shit, I could be on this show! A show dedicated to not knowing what you’re doing? How perfect! Basically there are 2 teams that learn from famous chefs and you get sent home if you don’t measure up to the challenge.

I decided to go on their website and see what the auditioning process is like. Like most companies, their website lacked the content I was looking for. It had casting dates for the past, so I wasn’t sure if I could fill out the application at anytime – I emailed them these questions and never heard back. Until a few months later, I got a response that casting was open and they would be updating their site soon (yeah right).

I headed back over and filled out the lengthy application. Then I received an email asking me to fill out an attached questionnaire, a day later I received a reminder to fill it out. Girl, slow your roll, I’m gettin’ to it. It had the same damn questions. How many times can I answer “What is your most embarrassing kitchen story?”, “Do you have any kitchen phobias?” Honey, there are not enough lines on this application for me to fill out my probs.

I was walking around Home Depot one Saturday and received a phone call from Cali and normally I don’t answer strange phone numbers, but I had a feeling. It was a casting guy! Asking me the same damn questions again. He was super nice and I enjoyed the conversation. This was shortly after the Baltimore Riots, so of course I was asked about that too. He said if they chose to cast me, he would call in the next few weeks…never heard back. Bummer.

But I would like to think this means I made it to the final rounds of casting and I am a runner up to being The Worst Cook in America. 😉

To combat this horrible horrible loss, my matron of honor got me a book for our wedding titled “The I Don’t Know How To Cook Cookbook”. This book is ahhhmazing! It has the definitions for everything you could think of, even SPOON! It has little tid bits like how to brown ground beef. All sorts of things to answer my daily questions when recipes don’t explain things fully. It also has a lot of vegetarian recipes which is always ideal. Only thing it’s missing is pictures, ha.

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I don’t think I ever would have made it passed the first round on Worst Cooks… I can’t even use a knife properly.

Plus, I’d miss my cats if I was gone for a few weeks. Check out these rad pics my matron of honor’s husband took the day of our wedding…

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BBLK PHOTOGRAPHY

Make your own mac n cheese they says, it’ll be easy they says…

Happy New Year!

Last year I made some mac n cheese and while a lot of dumb happened, it tasted like a lot of good.

“Easy Southwest Mac N Cheese” – easy they says…

I look at the list of ingredients and the first thing I notice is that I don’t like half of them. But I like mac n cheese, so I guess this will end up good. One thing I am definitely omitting is the onions, onions are not mac nor cheese in my experience, so it’s gotta be ok. Everything else can stay, for now.

First I need a big ol’ pot for just the garlic. Why such a big pot for just garlic? Do I put the garlic in the nutcracker press? I’ve never not done that with garlic, is this supposed to be different? I swore I read it 5 times and saw nothing about that. Because I am home alone, I text my trusty side kick Jackie. She says “are you sure it doesn’t say mince somewhere?” Oh, sure enough, it does! I was also doubling the recipe so it becomes like 4 little nubbies of garlic, pressed (minced? same thing?) into the big ol’ pot. Seems like a lot. This part you are supposed to combine with an onion, but I say hell no to onions. The recipe says that they should be “soft and transparent”, so I’m waiting for the garlic to appear this way and it’s just turning brown. Guess that means I burned it. Can I still eat it? Did I ruin the whole thing? I don’t care, lettuce keep going.

Turns out the transparent thing was about the onions, not the garlic. Good to know, thanks a lot, not specific directions. Not to mention the directions say “saute”, excuse me? Come again? You could at least throw a link in there to explain what “saute” is. You know I don’t speak mexican!

Here the cats are, trying to escape in case I burn the house down…

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Next was easy: Drain the diced tomatoes, then add them to the pot with the frozen corn and chili powder. Continue to sauté until the corn has heated through. At this point I assume saute means just leave the burner on and stir. Why can’t we just say that instead? I also never trust recipes with spices, they always call for so little of the spice. What is the point if you’re only using a little bit? I say go big or go home. I might regret this shortly.

Turn the heat off and add the drained pasta and Greek yogurt. Oooooooh okay now I get why we are using sucha big pot. I don’t particularly like yogurt either, but I am trusting this recipe here.

Stir until the pasta is coated in the creamy sauce. Add the cheese and stir until the residual heat has melted it into the sauce. If you pasta has cooled too much to melt the cheese, keep the burner on low as you stir the cheese into the sauce. Didn’t have to worry about that last part, thank jeebus.

Serve hot sprinkled with the sliced green onions. Well, my green onions were a bit old. I sent a picture to my trusty side kick to see if I could still use them. Just had to cut some bad parts off. I didn’t realize that they needed to be chopped super fine, I had chopped them kind of big. I don’t particularly like green onions, but it probably made sense for this recipe.

All in all, it was actually very good! The burnt garlic didn’t ruin it, though I did use a lot because it was a bit spicy for me.

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Chickens stuffed with random junk from your trunk

Usually on Sunday nights I make myself a bland ass dinner. Bland ass chicken, bland ass mashed potatoes, and bland ass green beans. I take it to work as leftovers and my co-workers make fun of me for my super white meal with no sauce or flavor. So this time I decided to try to jazz it up, and guess what, my food still got called bland and even powdery. Well listen up, it’s time to make some chickens stuffed with spinach and cream cheese and other random junk from your trunk.

I liked this recipe because I already had most of the ingredients. My beef with most recipes is that it calls for 1/4 of something that I have to go out and buy and will never use again. Though, that’s my beef with this recipe too. 1/4 teaspoon of a spice, am I even gonna taste that? What is the point. I dernt kner. But the chef gods of the world tell me it’s how this shit rolls, so let’s roll…

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First ya make the filling.

1. 4 ounces of cream cheese – okay but my measuring cup is CUPS, how do I measure ounces? Oh cool, cup, you have ounces too. Except the damn cream cheese sticks to the spoon, how are you supposed to get this shit off? Maybe a handy fork will work. Nope, just getting more stuck. Did I mention I don’t even like cream cheese? Maybe a spoon will help me to get the stuck shit off the fork. Now I’m more stuck. I wish I could use an emoticon right now.

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2. Half cup packed, baby spinach, chopped – Why do they only sell ingredients in large ass sizes? I have this giant tub of spinach and I only need a half cup? Can I has moar? Will chopping it and not chopping it make it different measurements? I’ll let Joe do the chopping, because as we all know, I would mess this shit up. Let’s also put it in the same measuring cup the cream cheese was in because I don’t like to dirty more dishes and all this shit is going to the same place anyways. The toilet, amirite?

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3. 2 scallions – newp. bye. Half a jalapeño – newp. bye. Half teaspoon of salt – newp. bye. Salt is bad, mmmkay. And wtf good is a half of a teaspoon going to do? Seems super pointless.

4. 3 cloves (1 tablespoon) fresh garlic, minced – garlic still scares me since my incident with the nutcracker. I had Joe tear it up because I’m always afraid of doing it wrong, but then he made me crush it in the press. Though I am very impressed with myself, I crushed this shit like a boss. I guess I got some muscles since my last attempt at garlic.

5. Half teaspoon red pepper flakes and fourth teaspoon of ground black pepper – Add more really small measurements of spices because that makes fucking sense. Why do spices exist? Someone, somewhere was like Yo let’s make this really fine shit that people will go nuts for sprinkling it all on top of their food thinkin’ it taste all good. Placebo effect, I’m telling ya. Why do these tiny measurements exist too? I do not understand the point in something so small, how can it have an effect? If you say so…

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So now you mix all that shit together with a rubber spatula. First of all, whys it gotta be rubber? Does that prevent sticking? I thought we didn’t have a rubber spatula because for some reason I pictured them white. Whys it gotta be white? Doesn’t fucking work anyways. Clumps of cream cheese it is!

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Now to prepare the chickens…

The recipe said to butterfly the chicken breasts. What in the flying ferdinand is butterfly? It probably involves some fancy knife trick that I am not familiar with. You know what a better solution is? Just buy the chicken thinner, then you do less work, duh dummies. This bites me in the ass later…

1. Take 2 eggs and beat em in a bowl. Joe complimented my egg cracking skills, yay I can do something right!

2. Time to combine some more useless amounts of shit and I’m skipping the salt again – fourth teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper (I have such a problem with these terms, freshly ground? It’s effing pepper), half teaspoon of italian seasoning (I had 2 jars, 1 with holes and 1 that opened up completely so I decided to use the wide open top in order to stick the measuring guy inside – yay efficiency), half cup grated parmesan cheese, 1 and a half cup panko bread crumbs (oops I only had regular type, that’ll do)

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3. Cheese. This is where I fucked up the most. The way the recipe was written, it was like I was supposed to mix the cheese into this bread crumb bowl mixture. But really I was supposed to save it to put on top of the creme cheese concoction. So anyways, it says 4 slices of swiss or mozz cheese. All I have is shredded cheese, so what do I do? Take out a slice of cheese and lay the mozz on top until I get myself a slice full of shredded cheese. Until Joe points out that these packages have measurements on them, so I can figure this one out easier if only I knew math.

Now that you got all your bowls together with your shit, you’re ready to mix and dip and dance a doodle doo.

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1. Take your “butterflied” chicken *eye roll* and scoop some creme cheese mixture into the middle then roll that bitch up. If you’re smart, you’ll use a toothpick to hold it together. If you’re me, you’ll use your hands and YOLO

2. Dip that bitch into the eggs

3. Dip that bitch into the bread crumb mixture

4. Set that rolled up bitch in your pan. Water, rinse, repeat with the rest of your breasts. But be careful to not get any on your actual breasticles. If you did use toothpicks, don’t forget to take them out when it’s time to eat. That’s what the recipe says anyways, probably to protect idiots like me who will assume toothpicks are editable.

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5. Now bake these little bitches for some amount of time at some temperature (I can’t give all my secrets away). And if you’re me and didn’t butterfly your breasticles, you will end up cooking the chicken for way too long and it’ll taste dry and the mozz you accidentally put on the outside will just burn up.

Enjoy your pile of shit. Go be a vegetarian asshole. photo 4

The cats and their feet could not even be bothered with this recipe:

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Fire Roasted Slip -n- Slide

I am a fan of quick dinners. Preheat the oven and bake for 10 minutes, I’m there! Pizza sounds like a good, simple, easy dinner to make, right? Wrong.

We have slowly gotten better at making pizza. We started out by cooking it on a cookie sheet then we upgraded to using a pizza stone. We went from using shredded mozz to real mozz. We upgraded our brand and flavor of pizza sauce. We even went from using a knife to using a pizza slicer rolly guy jammy.

We even tried different types of dough – going from the usual Bobboli or whatever it’s called, to garlic dough from Trader Joe’s that you need to roll out and then we tried Naan. Naan is damn good! But of course we wait too long to make it and it goes bad quickly. Target only had thin crust doughs by Archer Farms this time around. I figured if they only had thin crust than people must like it so I shall try it, right? Wrong.

So we have this brilliant idea of using real mozz circles, tomato slices, classico pizza sauce and this fancy thin crust that says something about being fire roasted. If something says it’s fire roasted, I automatically assume it’s going to be good. We assemble this pizza on a cookie sheet at first and my god is it beautiful. I wish I had a picture of it, that shit was laid out niiiiiiice. We got this cool pizza baclamber for Christmas to help move the pizza on and off the stone. What is it called, pizza…peel! This whole thing seems like a simple deal, right? Wrong.

Time to take the delicious pizza out of the oven! And, well, there are no words…that shit just starts fallin off the crust like a slip n slide.

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That shit slid right off the crust onto the stone. We can’t remove the stone because it’s too damn hot. Some of it starts dripping down into the oven (our brand new, non self cleaning oven). I grab the cookie sheet so we can try and scoop what is left onto it. Somehow we get most of it into a big sloppy mess.

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While the pizza stone is covered in crap now. Anyone know how you wash those things? Apprently it isn’t suppossed to be “washed” so it can save its “flavors”. I never undersood things like that, people tell you to not clean something so you can cook again in your old shit and mix your new shit which apparently makes even more delicious shit. Doubtful. Now hand me the soap.

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We decide to eat it anyways, open up the cabinet and these cups come tumbling down and land on top of the pizza. JESUS BECKY! I just want to freakin’ eat ya’ll!

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So we eat it anyways, and it tastes just fine. I guess it didn’t need to be pretty in order to eat it.

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The best part? Our plumbing is screwy so we can’t use real dishes, the kitchen sink or dishwasher in order to clean this mess up. Better get our tongues ready because that’s all we got to get this shit clean.

This was the biggest fail that has happened in a long time. The cats didn’t even know what to do with us. So they just ate each other instead.

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Exotic Meat Chili

We had a Chili Cookoff at work in honor of the Superbowl. I thought, what better way to demonstrate my awful cooking than to subject all of my co-workers to it by pretending like I know what I’m doing. It was also a chance to make something I’ve never made before. And, to be honest, something I don’t even like.

My good friend Jackie makes a mean, well, everything. She makes a mean everything. I asked her to teach me her chili recipe, and thus began the madness. Her pup Rory had to help us out of course…

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We decided that I would watch her one night and then she would watch me a few nights later to repeat back the exact steps. While I watched her, I took some “amazing” notes. Keyword: amazing.

Dude, chili has a lot of ingredients. How do you people do this shit?!

Might I add, her receipe comes from a cookbook by Moby. Yes, kids, Moby has a cookbook. Who would have known?

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I didn’t want to tell anyone that this recipe was vegetarian, that usually scares people away. So I decided to call it Exotic Meat Chili. If only Moby was as smart as me, he would have had some good marketing there.

The first step to secure heli-camel safety is to put on a helmet of some sort. This can be a mask or helmet of your choosing. It is to protect from toxins, spices, smells, rubbing your eyes, keeps your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Or if you’re just prone to accidents like me, you might need some protection. I chose to go with the paintball mask.

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I find it easier to show you a picture of all of the ingredients rather than type them all out. There’s a lot of shit! Hold on to your hats guys, this is going to be a lengthy one.

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Note that the giant knife is not needed, but it makes for cool effect. The chocolate in the background is also not needed, unless you’re feeling randy. Notice the devil can opener there and the 6 cans that it needs to open. I just want you to know that it wasn’t just me who had trouble with this. It took 2 gingers and 2 tiny blonde girls to use this satan can opener.

Now, follow these easy directions written by yours truly:

    • 3/4 olive oil in giant pot – My measuring skills are not up to par. I always fuck up. I have no idea why my eyes cannot aline with the lines on the cup, I got probs yo! This measuring cup is pretty sweet, it’s made for animals. Also, olive oil looks like pee. I pee a lot. I have to pee.
    • photo 3chop giant onion butts off – YO! Onions are the goddamn worst. They are worse than that devil can opener. I have never cut an onion in my life, don’t ask me why, probably because they are the devil! My eyes, oh my eyes! It wasn’t the “crying”, it was the burning. Oh, the burning. I was told to put a spoon in my mouth. That shit works somehow, even if you look like a goddamn goofball. I thought Jackie was just messing with me and wanted me to look like a fool, but it actually worked. Well, sort of. I was still pretty miserable. I don’t understand why anyone would want to cut an onion, or have an onion in their food. Shit tastes gross anyways. What a waste of life, onions, what a waste. My cutting skills are not up to par. It took me a good hour to chop everything, this onion probably took the longest. My onion shavings are not very pretty either. photo 4
    • shave onion shavings
    • cut into little chippy guys
    • put in a mixing bowl
    • chop tempeh in bite sized pieces
    • 4 or 5 giant cloves of garlic – 1 bulb (1/4 cup) – I got the good ol’ garlic press out for these jammies. But I feel like chopping them with a knife was easier. Damn that garlic press, it is also the devil.
    • cut butts off – chop super fine
    • drain beans and corn
    • chop dat red pepper girl alrite giggity giggity
    • chop off the buttt and head
    • green and red same choppers
    • chop out guts and chop off that junk
    • jalapeño cut off head and butt
    • put seeds in with red and green peppas
    • membrane in the middle – fleshy junk
    • dice up green parts and put in with peppers

how do peppers work? science, bitch! – The pepper era. Ah, the pepper era. Cutting the butts off was way easier than I thought it was going to be. I have also never cut peppers before dudes. It was actually kind of fun. And the jalapeno didn’t bother me, only the goddamn onion bothered me! I got the seeds out with a knife which was apparently weird and you’re supposed to use your fingers for that. I also eat ribs with a knife and a fork, pizza too. So sue me!

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  • tablespoon cumin
  • half tbsp cyanne pepper
  • teaspoon smoked paprika
  • tbsp chili powder
  • half teaspoon garlic salt
  • quarter teaspoon crushed red pepper
  • Ah, the spice era. I have to share this picture of when Jackie combined the spices, it was so damn pretty. Then I go and do it with these crazy little measuring spoons that make no sense. You have to eye ball the measurements, while using a measuring device. How is that fair?! Alls fair in love and chili.photo 3-3photo 2
  • turn stove on medium bitch to heat oil
  • onions in – 5 min
  • do the stanky leg while stirring
  • put garlic in and it’s gonna smell like garlic up in this bitch
  • stir together for a few min
  • tempeh in for a few min
  • stir photo 2-1
  • peppers in for a few min stir
  • spices in stir a bit
  • wait 5 min
  • if it looks like poop than you’re doing it rightphoto 3-1
  • all tomatoes in
  • stir for a min
  • corn beans in from strainer
  • stir for a minphoto 4-1
  • medium low for an hour
  • it’ll be kinda bubbly guy
  • stir every now and then
  • if too liquidy, use lid
  • cheddar cheese

That wasnt so hard, right? The best part was having Jackie read them back to me when it was my turn to make it. Good thing I had her there to assist me, I would have forgotten most of what to do.

It was actually ediable, impressive, right?! Well, edible for everyone except me. It was too damn spicey! My tongue does not like spice, I can barely do pepper most of the time. I had such a hard time eating it, such a fail. It may have been the fact that it was still temperature hot though. It wasn’t so bad the next day. After this I learned that jalapenos can range in their hot-ness, kind of like the chicks on Baywatch. Whoda thunk it?

The most important part of the recipe happens RIGHT NOW! Are you listening? You must transport your chili in a Hello Kitty croc pot. Strap on little buddy, we’re going for a ride!photo 5-1

My buddy Dan won the chili cook off, as he should! Who knows what place I came in, ideally last. Because, lets face it, this is a fail blog. Maybe Dan will guest blog next about how to make a successful pot of chili, one to remember, one to love, one to poop out later.

And in the end, not a single fuck was given that day:

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To Infinity and Beyond, Meat.

If you’re new to cooking, bad at cooking, scared of cooking, I suggest vegetarian meals. They make things so easy.

There is a wonderful plant protein called Beyond Meat that we discovered. It is fake chicken that comes in a few flavors. The cool thing about Beyond Meat is that it acts more like actual chicken then any other subsitute we have tried. It doesn’t need to taste like chicken, it needs to act like chicken. By that I mean, it soaks up the flavors unlike tofu or other fake chicken products. Vegetarian or not, it is a must try. Plus, it has 20g of iron. Suck it, steak! The best part is that the founder went to University of Maryland and I dig anything created in my state. Find it at your local Whole Foods!

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We picked up the Southwest flavor of Beyond Meat and what better thing to make with it then a “Mexican Bake”.  I found this recipe by Kraft. What I love about the recipe, is that I completely ignored it.

Half cup of this, whole cup of that, pinch of this, pinch of that. Cook the meat for this long, toss your meat like this, throw your meat in the air and touch your derriere. How ’bout, no. Ya’ll know how I feel about following directions. They never make any sense and they always assume too much. They assume you know what you’re doing, and guess what, I never know what I’m doing.

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This is what ya do:

Preheat oven to 375. Get a pan. Cover the bottom of it with all of the Beyond Meat chicken. Lay a can of beans on top. Sprinkle some frozen corn on top of that. Scoop out some salsa and throw some clumps around. Put in the oven for 20 min. Take out and top with cheese. Bake for 5 more min. Now eat that bitch. You could make some rice on the side too, if you felt like it. Maybe, maybe if you have time.

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Since you’re not using real meat, you don’t have to worry about the meat being cooked all the way through so the timing almost doesn’t matter. Why do we need measurements for the other ingredients? Use as much or as little as you want based on your feelings about said ingredient. I love corn, but I hate onions and peppers, so fuck them. If you do decide to use real chicken, I can’t help you. Go somewhere else.

If you’re anything like every other vegetarian I know, a half cup of cheese is not nearly enough. You have to use the whole damn bag. And then some!

If you have no patience like me, you’ll forget to take a picture when you take it out of the oven and you’ll stick your face right in it. Om nom nom.

If you’re picky like me, you will pick all of the green peppers and onions out of the salsa, but when you accidently get a bite with a pepper in it, you’ll actually like it. But you’ll keep picking aroud them because psychology is a bitch.

I decided to take a tortilla and rip it up into pieces and throw it in the mix, while Joe piled his into a tortilla and ate it like a burrito. Whatever floats your boat!

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I hope you guys enjoy how horrible my photos are, it really makes all of my food look absolutely not appetizing what so ever. But come on, trust me! Beards, they grow on you.

The only thing you really need to remember is to drain the beans, otherwise you’ll end up with a soupy mexican bake and it isn’t so great.

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The Beyond Meat soaks up the flavor from the beans and salsa and really takes your taste buds to infinity and beyond! I talked to Buzz Lightyear about this, and he agreed. You can ask him yourself after you invite him to your kids birthday party.

There were no cats in the making of this dinner. Where the hell were they? Oh, right, snooze fest.

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Little shit is apparently a lightweight, he got too drunk before dinner time and passed out before he got his pajama pants on. What a n00b.

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