Chickens stuffed with random junk from your trunk

Usually on Sunday nights I make myself a bland ass dinner. Bland ass chicken, bland ass mashed potatoes, and bland ass green beans. I take it to work as leftovers and my co-workers make fun of me for my super white meal with no sauce or flavor. So this time I decided to try to jazz it up, and guess what, my food still got called bland and even powdery. Well listen up, it’s time to make some chickens stuffed with spinach and cream cheese and other random junk from your trunk.

I liked this recipe because I already had most of the ingredients. My beef with most recipes is that it calls for 1/4 of something that I have to go out and buy and will never use again. Though, that’s my beef with this recipe too. 1/4 teaspoon of a spice, am I even gonna taste that? What is the point. I dernt kner. But the chef gods of the world tell me it’s how this shit rolls, so let’s roll…

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First ya make the filling.

1. 4 ounces of cream cheese – okay but my measuring cup is CUPS, how do I measure ounces? Oh cool, cup, you have ounces too. Except the damn cream cheese sticks to the spoon, how are you supposed to get this shit off? Maybe a handy fork will work. Nope, just getting more stuck. Did I mention I don’t even like cream cheese? Maybe a spoon will help me to get the stuck shit off the fork. Now I’m more stuck. I wish I could use an emoticon right now.

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2. Half cup packed, baby spinach, chopped – Why do they only sell ingredients in large ass sizes? I have this giant tub of spinach and I only need a half cup? Can I has moar? Will chopping it and not chopping it make it different measurements? I’ll let Joe do the chopping, because as we all know, I would mess this shit up. Let’s also put it in the same measuring cup the cream cheese was in because I don’t like to dirty more dishes and all this shit is going to the same place anyways. The toilet, amirite?

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3. 2 scallions – newp. bye. Half a jalapeño – newp. bye. Half teaspoon of salt – newp. bye. Salt is bad, mmmkay. And wtf good is a half of a teaspoon going to do? Seems super pointless.

4. 3 cloves (1 tablespoon) fresh garlic, minced – garlic still scares me since my incident with the nutcracker. I had Joe tear it up because I’m always afraid of doing it wrong, but then he made me crush it in the press. Though I am very impressed with myself, I crushed this shit like a boss. I guess I got some muscles since my last attempt at garlic.

5. Half teaspoon red pepper flakes and fourth teaspoon of ground black pepper – Add more really small measurements of spices because that makes fucking sense. Why do spices exist? Someone, somewhere was like Yo let’s make this really fine shit that people will go nuts for sprinkling it all on top of their food thinkin’ it taste all good. Placebo effect, I’m telling ya. Why do these tiny measurements exist too? I do not understand the point in something so small, how can it have an effect? If you say so…

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So now you mix all that shit together with a rubber spatula. First of all, whys it gotta be rubber? Does that prevent sticking? I thought we didn’t have a rubber spatula because for some reason I pictured them white. Whys it gotta be white? Doesn’t fucking work anyways. Clumps of cream cheese it is!

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Now to prepare the chickens…

The recipe said to butterfly the chicken breasts. What in the flying ferdinand is butterfly? It probably involves some fancy knife trick that I am not familiar with. You know what a better solution is? Just buy the chicken thinner, then you do less work, duh dummies. This bites me in the ass later…

1. Take 2 eggs and beat em in a bowl. Joe complimented my egg cracking skills, yay I can do something right!

2. Time to combine some more useless amounts of shit and I’m skipping the salt again – fourth teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper (I have such a problem with these terms, freshly ground? It’s effing pepper), half teaspoon of italian seasoning (I had 2 jars, 1 with holes and 1 that opened up completely so I decided to use the wide open top in order to stick the measuring guy inside – yay efficiency), half cup grated parmesan cheese, 1 and a half cup panko bread crumbs (oops I only had regular type, that’ll do)

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3. Cheese. This is where I fucked up the most. The way the recipe was written, it was like I was supposed to mix the cheese into this bread crumb bowl mixture. But really I was supposed to save it to put on top of the creme cheese concoction. So anyways, it says 4 slices of swiss or mozz cheese. All I have is shredded cheese, so what do I do? Take out a slice of cheese and lay the mozz on top until I get myself a slice full of shredded cheese. Until Joe points out that these packages have measurements on them, so I can figure this one out easier if only I knew math.

Now that you got all your bowls together with your shit, you’re ready to mix and dip and dance a doodle doo.

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1. Take your “butterflied” chicken *eye roll* and scoop some creme cheese mixture into the middle then roll that bitch up. If you’re smart, you’ll use a toothpick to hold it together. If you’re me, you’ll use your hands and YOLO

2. Dip that bitch into the eggs

3. Dip that bitch into the bread crumb mixture

4. Set that rolled up bitch in your pan. Water, rinse, repeat with the rest of your breasts. But be careful to not get any on your actual breasticles. If you did use toothpicks, don’t forget to take them out when it’s time to eat. That’s what the recipe says anyways, probably to protect idiots like me who will assume toothpicks are editable.

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5. Now bake these little bitches for some amount of time at some temperature (I can’t give all my secrets away). And if you’re me and didn’t butterfly your breasticles, you will end up cooking the chicken for way too long and it’ll taste dry and the mozz you accidentally put on the outside will just burn up.

Enjoy your pile of shit. Go be a vegetarian asshole. photo 4

The cats and their feet could not even be bothered with this recipe:

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Cheese is accidentally delicious

Here is a true failure for ya.

My friend Brea sent me this recipe for broccoli and cheese stuffed chicken, the concept sounded simple.

I started reading the recipe and it says some crazy nonsense about doing art with your cheese. I do not feel like cutting it up into triangles and trapizoids, I just want to eat it!

I decided that I would just stick a chunk of cheese and piece of broccoli and roll that bitch up… Sweet, chicken isn’t long enough to roll up. The recipe also said something about toothpicks to hold it all together, but I am not down with getting a splinter in my food.

I decided to just lay the chicken out, stick some cheese and a piece of broccoli on top and see what happens. Great, now my pan is too small and i have to dirty another one, I hate when this happens!

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Brea called me and suggested that I use a meat tenderizer to beat my meat with in order to make the pieces longer. But I have no such tool, maybe someone wants to buy me one? While on the phone with Brea, Joe starts yelling to me that the water for the potatoes keeps boiling over. We just moved and are using a cooktop now, which we need to get used to using apparently.
Next comes the great debate of bread crumbs:

  1. The directions say for frying so Joe thinks I can’t use them for baking, but I’ve seen people use these!
  2.  I read the directions and notice there is a section title FOR BAKING!
  3.  It says I need an egg or milk… I have no eggs and we discuss that a milk would be too thin
  4.  Good thing I have Brea to tell me to use olive oil!
  5.  Whoops, I spilled it all over the pan like no body’s business.
  6. Whatever.

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In the mean time, I need to cook the rest of this bag of broccoli, but it is one of those steam in bag things and it says not to puncture bag before putting into microwave. I was about to ignore it and stick it in the microwave, when Joe decided to read the rest of the directions. Oh look at that, you can actually eat it raw or steam on the stove. Let’s steam this bitch! mmmmmmm! (Lesson learned: we never read ALL of the directions!)

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Ok guys, prepare yourselves… This shit was so delicious! Here I thought I was using pepper jack cheese when it turns out it was jalapeño and Cayenne pepper. Thanks for tricking me, Joe. But it was nice because the taste from the cheese spread over everything. Accidental cheese is yummy. It’s great that what started out looking like a disaster, turned out to be really good! And easy too 😉

Funny though because this picture makes it look real gross:

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And don’t worry, the potatoes that we’re boiling over earlier, they survived:

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Dozey is enjoying her new counter top, ya;ll:

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Rosemary Roasted Garlic Cats

Grocery store adventures with a partner make the trip much more worth while. Joe decided to pick up some Tailapia while I picked up my usual chicken strips – or as they are officially called “breast tenderloins”.

The meat section surprised me today, everything was so cheap! All this chicken for 3 dollars, it’s going to last me for days. (These are things that you don’t know about when you have been living off of frozen meals for years). We decided to try another one of these Kraft style shake n bakes, Rosemary and Roasted Garlic. The directions say for chicken or fish so we assume we are good to go…

We finish up in the frozen section of the grocery store and we are realizing, why do we buy all of this frozen crap when we could make this same stuff and it would be way better? In this instance, we decided to scoop up some potatoes, my favorite!

In my head, the plan is for “little roasted fried potato jammies”, so I ask my good cookin’ buddy Jackie how to make said product. Apparently roasted means in the oven and fried means in the pan. My b! If you think back to one of my many breakfast potato feeaskos, you know I have attempted this task before. This time, I will leave it to Joe. He has all sorts of plans for garlic, olive oil, and pepper. Psh, who uses any sort of seasoning? Not this gal!

Time to get started!

  1.  Gather supplies for cooking chicken and fish – danger! What are we cooking in? We have to keep these jammies separate. Apparently cookie sheets will work for our task. I am used to calling these things cookie sheets, where as most people call these baking sheets. (Thanks, mom!)
  2. How long do we cook our products for? The directions say, “BAKE. Until Done.” Really, Kraft, really?! It isn’t until you get inside of the package that it actually tells you how long to bake for. (Bad design, Kraft)
  3. Time to shake. We need to separate the shake materials so my chicken juice doesn’t get on his fish juice. Here goes the process of emptying out some of the product into another plastic bag – thank the chicken gods nothing bad happened during this process. But make sure to do this over the sink to avoid any potential disaster in your kitchen.
  4. Now I shall shake my chicken. (I shake my cheese back and forth, I shake my cheese back and forth). The funny part about shake n bake is that it doesn’t actually work. I really am just flipping the chicken strip around inside the bag and then throwing some on top once I have it placed on the cookie sheet.
  5. “Coat baking pan with cooking spray” – whelp, I don’t own any of this. Aluminum Foil it is!  Al-oo-min-e-um. Here we go! The chicken and Tilpaia (how the eff do you spell Tilapia?!) basically look the same, ha.
  6. When I was in school, I took a Nutrition class where we watched a video about people cooking meat in their houses. It was so gross how people would not wash their hands thoroughly and then wipe them on a towel and the meat juice would basically end up all over their kitchen. So the most important step, is to wash your damn hands! (Cheetah finger nails, optional. Hello Kitty soap, mandatory.)

All while I’m doing this with grimey chicken hands, Dozey is trying to play fetch. What a great helper.

Meanwhile, Joe has been working on the potatoes and doing quite the excellent job. Look at all of this olive oil and garlic! If it were me, I would have put like a teaspoon of olive oil and been too lazy to cut up any garlic. (My eyes are watering already). He seems to think 3 potatoes was enough, but I’m a potato fiend. The best quote was – “I’m going to add some pepper, as long as we don’t catch on fire, we’re doing okay”. Cooking the potatoes this way turns me off because I hate scooting shit around in a pan, I just don’t get it.

Something I did do right during this process is guessing the time on how long each thing would take. Hey, I’m learning something! That is one of my biggest peeves about cooking though, timing the shit and doing all this shit at once. I am damn good at multi tasking, but not when it is something that HAS to be done or your house will blow up. (Irony: after we finished eating, the fire alarm in our building went off – not our fault!)

Rosemary Roasted Garlic Chicken Cats deliciousness!

I Whip My Cheese Back And Forth

Hey all my mexicans and my mexicants!

Apparently it’s cheaper to buy 36 tortillas in a package, so it’s time to put our sombraros on and find ways to use up these tortillas.

F’Chikin Quesadillas it is!

(f’ does not mean fuckin, it means fake)

(it’s also kind of funny if you read this post in a British accent)

Step 1: When saying quesadilla you must pronounce it case-a-dill-a. This is the most important step.

Step 2: Unpack grocries. At this point, Joe shakes some bags of cheese in my face while singing “I whip my cheese back and forth” (this step cannot be skipped, it is imperitive to the well being of your future quesadillas)

Step 3: Cook the fake chikin. Step 1 of Step 3 is to read the directions. Look at the back of this package… the designer here was thinking too far outside the box, they were trying to be too cutesy and it just does not work. I couldn’t find the directions at first because they’re not written in a standard format.

Looking for more delicious dinner ideas? No! I’m looking for how to cook the damn f’chikin.

The first thing my eye goes to is the bottom “Cooking Instructions: Keep frozen until ready to use”, really? The stuff above is in the usual format where you would find recipes, not how to just straight up cook the f’chikin. The part that is even more funny is when you read those 3 “recipes”, you cook the f’chikin the same damn way in each one!

My least favorite thing to do while cooking is when you have to put something in a pan and push it around. My hand eye coordination just doesn’t match up, I don’t know how often to push around or flip or what have you. So now I must recruit Joe.

Step 4: Chop tomato while f’chikin is being pushed around in frying pan. Joe learned a cool new way to dice up a tomato, so I also left that to be his duty.

Step 5: Retrieve giant tupperware container full of lettuce from fridge. Ah, finally a task I can handle.

Step 6: f’chikin is done so it’s time to grab a tortilla and dose-e-do. Horror sets in. The tortillas are too small to fold in half. Putting one on top of each other seems impossible to flip. And it twas, it twas. One side got all burny guy but oh well, noms are noms. Om nom nom.

Step 7: Wrap lettuce around quesadilla. Oh, a lettuce wrap! It tasted like a BLT. To which I said, “we should have put bacos in these!” (but we didnt)

Step 8: Eat giant quesadilla while making smaller flippy in half guys. Those turned out much better (it also helped to turn the heat down on the burner from a 7 to a 3).

Step 9: Yum!

This is how Dozey feels after dinner:

Shake it like a Polaroid Picture

My buddy Jackie keeps suggesting to me that I should “attempt” to make some crazy fancy food in order to see how hilarious it turns out. The problem with that is, I don’t even know where to begin half the time. I’m also really impatient when it comes to food. I want my food and I want it now! (Right now I’m dreaming of breakfast potatoes)

One thing that I do know how to make (thanks, Mom) is Shake n Bake. When I saw the commercial for Kraft’s new product, I was all “Sweet! I can make my chicken more delicious now!” Honestly, half the time I just make it plain because I’m too lazy to even shake n bake. I normally used mashed potatoes as my condiment anyways. People put crab on top of their meat, why can’t I put potatoes on top of my meat?

Back to Kraft. Take a look at this monsterious packaging, the way the design delightfully draws you into its “new” product. It’s going to be delicious, right? Dude. It’s the same damn thing as Shake n Bake. Don’t try and sell me something “new” when it’s clearly not an original idea. Back to those pesky little advertisers and marketers again!

But the truth is, this shit was goddamn delicious. My well cultured friends would probably frown upon the fact that all I did was Shake it like a Polaroid Picture, they would probably want me to do something insane using words that I don’t even understand or knew exsisted. I guess that’s the price you pay for not falling into these advertisers tricks.

Price? This shit was like 3 bucks, ching ching. Ok here is my only problem with Shake n Bake/This New Kraft Shit (that’s the technical name for this product) – the directions on the package for how to cook the chicken is always different from the directions on the actual chicken package. wtf mate?! Why are ya’ll contridicting each other? Those of us that are terrified to be cooking in the first place need consistant directions! Luckily with this one, the temperature was the same, but the time was 10 minutes less. I did it for the lesser of the times, and it actually turned out perfect. (I can’t believe I am saying that)

The other thing I hate about meat is the dethawing process. I hate leaving it out on the counter all day to just soak in the warm kitchen sun, makes me nervous the little chickens are going to get up and walk away. I mean, would you want to be cooked in that hot ass oven? Well, you probably would. Because most of you bitch about the cold winter season and can’t wait to be outside burning to death.

An annoying thing about this particular kind of Shake n Bake was that there were 2 pouches, bread crumbs and cheese. You were suppossed to break the seam down the middle, and then shake them together. Turn it to the left, the cheese falls ontop of the bread crumbs. Turn it to the right, the bread crumbs fall ontop of the cheese. There wasn’t much room for it to fall through the cracks and actually mix correctly. Can I get an idiot proof Shake process next time?!

So there you have it folks, that chicken was done with the cold ass freezer and ready to get a sun tan in the oven. Then I ate it. (My photography skills make my food look far more gross then it actually is to the common person)

Green beans are always my go to side along with my mashed taters. Although I can never make my Green Beans quite like Joe’s mom does, even though I follow her directions! We didn’t have any milk so I couldn’t mash them taters, but I survivded. We got a new “Rice Side” that was Garlic with Cajun Spices – it was also delicious!

All in all, I call this a great success. Dozey enjoyed some chicken and Joe enjoyed some vegetarian riblets that only involve the microwave.

Let the kitty food coma settle in…