Chickens stuffed with random junk from your trunk

Usually on Sunday nights I make myself a bland ass dinner. Bland ass chicken, bland ass mashed potatoes, and bland ass green beans. I take it to work as leftovers and my co-workers make fun of me for my super white meal with no sauce or flavor. So this time I decided to try to jazz it up, and guess what, my food still got called bland and even powdery. Well listen up, it’s time to make some chickens stuffed with spinach and cream cheese and other random junk from your trunk.

I liked this recipe because I already had most of the ingredients. My beef with most recipes is that it calls for 1/4 of something that I have to go out and buy and will never use again. Though, that’s my beef with this recipe too. 1/4 teaspoon of a spice, am I even gonna taste that? What is the point. I dernt kner. But the chef gods of the world tell me it’s how this shit rolls, so let’s roll…

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First ya make the filling.

1. 4 ounces of cream cheese – okay but my measuring cup is CUPS, how do I measure ounces? Oh cool, cup, you have ounces too. Except the damn cream cheese sticks to the spoon, how are you supposed to get this shit off? Maybe a handy fork will work. Nope, just getting more stuck. Did I mention I don’t even like cream cheese? Maybe a spoon will help me to get the stuck shit off the fork. Now I’m more stuck. I wish I could use an emoticon right now.

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2. Half cup packed, baby spinach, chopped – Why do they only sell ingredients in large ass sizes? I have this giant tub of spinach and I only need a half cup? Can I has moar? Will chopping it and not chopping it make it different measurements? I’ll let Joe do the chopping, because as we all know, I would mess this shit up. Let’s also put it in the same measuring cup the cream cheese was in because I don’t like to dirty more dishes and all this shit is going to the same place anyways. The toilet, amirite?

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3. 2 scallions – newp. bye. Half a jalapeño – newp. bye. Half teaspoon of salt – newp. bye. Salt is bad, mmmkay. And wtf good is a half of a teaspoon going to do? Seems super pointless.

4. 3 cloves (1 tablespoon) fresh garlic, minced – garlic still scares me since my incident with the nutcracker. I had Joe tear it up because I’m always afraid of doing it wrong, but then he made me crush it in the press. Though I am very impressed with myself, I crushed this shit like a boss. I guess I got some muscles since my last attempt at garlic.

5. Half teaspoon red pepper flakes and fourth teaspoon of ground black pepper – Add more really small measurements of spices because that makes fucking sense. Why do spices exist? Someone, somewhere was like Yo let’s make this really fine shit that people will go nuts for sprinkling it all on top of their food thinkin’ it taste all good. Placebo effect, I’m telling ya. Why do these tiny measurements exist too? I do not understand the point in something so small, how can it have an effect? If you say so…

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So now you mix all that shit together with a rubber spatula. First of all, whys it gotta be rubber? Does that prevent sticking? I thought we didn’t have a rubber spatula because for some reason I pictured them white. Whys it gotta be white? Doesn’t fucking work anyways. Clumps of cream cheese it is!

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Now to prepare the chickens…

The recipe said to butterfly the chicken breasts. What in the flying ferdinand is butterfly? It probably involves some fancy knife trick that I am not familiar with. You know what a better solution is? Just buy the chicken thinner, then you do less work, duh dummies. This bites me in the ass later…

1. Take 2 eggs and beat em in a bowl. Joe complimented my egg cracking skills, yay I can do something right!

2. Time to combine some more useless amounts of shit and I’m skipping the salt again – fourth teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper (I have such a problem with these terms, freshly ground? It’s effing pepper), half teaspoon of italian seasoning (I had 2 jars, 1 with holes and 1 that opened up completely so I decided to use the wide open top in order to stick the measuring guy inside – yay efficiency), half cup grated parmesan cheese, 1 and a half cup panko bread crumbs (oops I only had regular type, that’ll do)

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3. Cheese. This is where I fucked up the most. The way the recipe was written, it was like I was supposed to mix the cheese into this bread crumb bowl mixture. But really I was supposed to save it to put on top of the creme cheese concoction. So anyways, it says 4 slices of swiss or mozz cheese. All I have is shredded cheese, so what do I do? Take out a slice of cheese and lay the mozz on top until I get myself a slice full of shredded cheese. Until Joe points out that these packages have measurements on them, so I can figure this one out easier if only I knew math.

Now that you got all your bowls together with your shit, you’re ready to mix and dip and dance a doodle doo.

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1. Take your “butterflied” chicken *eye roll* and scoop some creme cheese mixture into the middle then roll that bitch up. If you’re smart, you’ll use a toothpick to hold it together. If you’re me, you’ll use your hands and YOLO

2. Dip that bitch into the eggs

3. Dip that bitch into the bread crumb mixture

4. Set that rolled up bitch in your pan. Water, rinse, repeat with the rest of your breasts. But be careful to not get any on your actual breasticles. If you did use toothpicks, don’t forget to take them out when it’s time to eat. That’s what the recipe says anyways, probably to protect idiots like me who will assume toothpicks are editable.

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5. Now bake these little bitches for some amount of time at some temperature (I can’t give all my secrets away). And if you’re me and didn’t butterfly your breasticles, you will end up cooking the chicken for way too long and it’ll taste dry and the mozz you accidentally put on the outside will just burn up.

Enjoy your pile of shit. Go be a vegetarian asshole. photo 4

The cats and their feet could not even be bothered with this recipe:

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Boiled and baked noodles with sauce and cheese and shit

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog here. I am having far less failures lately, zomg I must be learning something!

A big thing I have learned is that people make cooking sound way harder and fancier then it actually is. They list every ingredient they can think of and make that the title of their recipe. “Baked white boneless skinless perdue chicken with green broccoli from a green giant bag and white gold sprouted maybe had eyeballs before I scraped them off potatoes from a bag in the store dot com”. Shut. Up.

Baked ziti has become a hot item around here because it’s easy as shit and makes mad leftovers. And trust me, it’s easy peasy. Let me break it down for you.

Buy some noodles, any noodles, I don’t even care what shape. They all taste the same. Make your own noodles if you’re feeling ambitious, but don’t look to this blog to tell you how to do that. That seems like a chefs job.

Read the box. Well, you don’t really have to read it. Just look for some numbers. Boil the noodles according to those numbers.

If you search the internet, people bake their ziti anywhere from 350 to 450 degrees. Pick somewhere in the middle, or not, it doesn’t matter, its just a noodle.

I go with 350 and I start this shit right away because in this day and age you have to wait 10 years for an oven to preheat. Come on technology, can I get an iPhone app to make this shit go quicker?

Alright, so you’ve got the oven preheating and you’ve got some noodles boiling. If you’re feeling fancy, dump some spices and olive oil into the pot. Though it doesn’t really matter because I can’t tell the difference if it is used or not.

PIck some sauce, any sauce. I usually go with Tomato Basil.

Get a pan, any pan. Use your eyeballs, how many noodles can I fit in dis pan? That’ll do! 9 x 13 is usually good for a pound of noodles.

When the noodles are done, turn off stove, lift pot, carry to sink, and strain.

Pour the noodles back into the pot a little at a time while mixing with the sauce.

Once complete, pour a layer into the pan of your choice.

I like to mix my lazy cheap ass with my fancy expensive ass, so I go with real mozzarella cheese and also the fake shredded kraft shit. After a layer of noodles, layer some shredded shit. Repeat until you reach the top, here is where you use your fancy real ass expensive mozz. Just throw that junk on top.

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Now stick it in the preheated oven for 20-30 minutes. Or however long it takes before your house starts to catch fire.

Was that so hard?

You can throw anything you want in there, too. Sometimes I do tomatoes. Other people of the internet use meat, but I don’t know shit about cooking meat so I steer clear. The noodles make so much that you really don’t need other crap. But I know how you people like to get all fancy. Throw whatever you please in there: veggies, meatless meat, real mans meat, cat food meat, feet meat, cake meat, mustache meat, whatever. Just make sure you title your recipe accordingly.

I like to call mine “Boiled and baked noodles with sauce and cheese and shit”, that would be most accurate.

(Now do yourself a favor, go to Gizoogle.net, put in catscantcook.com and laugh your face off)

Lastly, pass out in some awkward position:

 

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What I did during the Superbowl

(I know guys, I’m like 100 years late with this post)

It’s pretty exciting for Baltimore to be involved in the Superbowl, I definitely dig things that happen for my city. But. Football is god awfully boring. So lets make some stuffed shells!

As usual, I am inspired by Budget Bytes. But I am also inspired by my co worker, Sarah, who has also shared a recipe with me.

First of all, I had no idea what ricotta cheese looked like so I had to google image search it while in Safeway.

I had to take this image of all of my ingredients multiple times because I kept forgetting something. This is a lot of steps for me! There is some green leafy shit, some white shredded shit, some green throw up lookin’ shit, some more white shit and some red shit. This is going to be real ugly.

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First is the great debate over how long to boil the shells for. The box says 9 min if they’re going in the oven, 12 if not. The recipe says to cook them “according to the box (12 min)”. Bitch, you don’t know what my box says! Lets go with 9. (I didn’t mean to call her a bitch, I’m sure she is awesome – and she looks gorgeous)

Another issue is how many shells to make – the recipe says 22 and my box has 35, what am I going to do with just a few left over shells? I decided to take them out anyways – by counting backwards. My counting skills are not the greatest and apparently I should have taken out 6 more.

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My measuring skills are also not the greatest. I do like this recipe because she includes oz and cups. But my bags of ingredients only say ounces. Luckily, my measuring cup tells me both. But wtf is this shit – the bag says 8 oz makes 2 cups. But my measuring cup says 8 oz is 1 cup. Someone is obviously drunk – is it the cheese maker or the measuring cup maker? (Yes, now I have learned the difference between wet and dry measuring).

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Once you learn how to measure, you combine all of the ingredients into a bowl. If your mixture looks like throw up, that means you are done.

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Now you gotta stuff them bitches without breaking them, seems like a lot of pressure.

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We seemed to handle it well though.

Nice and stuffed and time to put in the oven, then you wait, and wait…

Now when Joe took his first bite and made some weird sound, I was like holy shit what did I do wrong. It was a sound of YUM! Yay success! Just a few bumps in the road. This recipe was damn delicious, I definitely recommend it.

As I finish this post… amost 2 months later… The Ravens won the Superbowl, there was a parade in the streets, and now all the players are getting sold off to other teams. Good job, Baltimore! (Disclaimer: I know nothing about sports, just read about it on all your Facebooks)

Here’s some Ravens trottin’ down the street like puppets for everyone to speculate:
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Here is how Dozey feels about football:

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K Bye!

Black Bean Papyrus Wraps

I feel like if you put the word “Papyrus” into the title of something then people automatically think it’s something fancy. But as you know, I hate papyrus. Nothing with papyrus in the title is of any good to you, take my word for it! No, not even the cards. So now you can imagine how upset I was when I had to buy tortillas that used the font papyrus, and oh they used it loud and proud! I expected more for, you, Goya!

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This idea blossomed from my favorite (and only) recipe site, Budget Bytes. I then mentioned it to my oh so domestic friend, Jackie, who helped my further.

This recipe calls for black beans, fire roasted tomatoes, spinach, and cheese of course.

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Step 1: Drain beans
Step 2: Drain tomatoes
My wall block: I hate having to dirty more dishes then I need to, especially when we only have 2 strainers to begin with. Fuck this shit, both these bitches are going in the same strainer. Mix mix mix!
Step 3: Put some oil in then pan… Wtf is SOME? I obviously put too much. The first piece was COATED in oil. Is “some” a scientific measurement?!
Step 4: Turn burner to medium high.
My wall block: This is my biggest complaint about directions, what is medium high?! Can’t you just give me a number! I always screw this one up. I guess we’ll go with 5 even though 5 is right in the middle so one would think that is medium not medium high.
Step 5: Pull out your tortilla from the ugly ass papyrus covered package and place it in frying pan
Step 6: Add ingredients and trust yourself to place them properly and to not make a mess in the pan (ha!)
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Step 7: Fold over tortilla and wait some unspecified amount of time which means its going to burn or not cook at all so when you try to flip it, it all falls apart on you
Step 8: Use 2 spatulas to flip because you are handicap
Step 9: Put that shit in your mouth hole

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This one turned out pretty delicious minus the first one that was all oily that Joe was forced to eat. Trust yourself while cooking in 2013, neighbors.

Meanwhile, Dozey was searching for something behind the fridge…

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Tater Tot Tacos

What is with Dozey’s shoe obsession lately?

Back when we had 36 tortillas to eat, we had to come up with some creative ideas. Now, I can’t take full credit for this particular item. We all have Taco Bell to thank for their Crispy Potato Soft Taco. (Wow, Taco Bell, I am impressed with your website)

They describe it as; “A warm, soft flour tortilla filled with crispy potato bites, pepper jack sauce, crisp shredded lettuce, and real cheddar cheese.”

Let us try to recreate this delicious masterpiece…

  • Warm…not so much
  • Soft flour tortilla…yes!
  • Crispy potato bites…I think that is just marketing language for tater tot, which we definitely have that on hand
  • Pepper jack sauce… don’t have any of this, but who likes condiments anyways? Not I!
  • Crisp shredded lettuce… more marketing terms, yes I have some damn lettuce
  • Real cheddar cheese… as apposed to fake? It’s cool, got that too. Although, Taco Bell, you piss me off with your cheese portions. You barely put any on this particular taco and sometimes none at all. When I ask for extra cheese, you charge me a dollar. Screw you and your cheese hoarding.

Let us also add some tomatoes on top because they’re gosh darn delicious.

This tater tot taco does not require many steps to create:

  • Preheat oven..that is the worst part
  • Bake tater tots…ok
  • Cut up tomatoes
  • Throw shit into tortilla
  • Eat it.

Trust me, it’s the best creation yet.

Cheesey Potato Haircuts

Budget Bytes is a great little site I like to use to aid in my cooking. It’s actually the only one I use. I like it because she breaks things down, uses pictures, and it looks like she has a sweet haircut.

I’ve made these twice baked potatoes a few times before, so you would think this time it would be smooth sailing.

Only after reading the directions do I have a few problems:

1. Sour cream, gross. How about a little milk instead? Joe said they were a little dry the last time when I didn’t use sour cream. But I don’t mind, because my taste buds are boring, remember?

2. 1.25 cups of cheese – there is no .25 on the measuring cup. How am I supposed to know what .25 is? (Oh, elementary school, right.) Joe informs me that it is 1/4 after I had guessed it was 1/2. More cheese, please!

3. The recipe is for 8 “halves” of potato, we only have 6. Fuck it, cheese it up.

Cat Pause (or paws):

4. You are to put the potatoes right onto the oven rack. This scares me. The oven is hot. I don’t want to touch the potatoes with the oven mit either – who knows what has been on that oven mit.

5. Twice baked potatoes. Keyword here, twice. I have to cook these shits, TWICE!? This boggles my mind. The first time around is long enough. An hour, really? Isn’t it okay to eat the potato “raw”? Why do you have to cook it for so long then? Not only that, but then I have to put it BACK into the oven for another 20 minutes? I have to do this after I have mixed in the broccoli and cheese – you know, when the mixture is good and yummy and you just want to eat it.

It felt like when you make cookies or a cake, and you just want to lick the bowl. But you’re not supposed to because apparently you will get sick. I just wanted to eat the potato mixture right then and there! (I totally had a few bites)

While mixing, I totally mixed it onto the counter and onto the floor. CASUALTY CHEESE, RESCUE IT!

To solve the sour creme issue, Joe starts pouring some milk in. I am so nervous that it’s going to be much. Us cats that can’t cook are no good at eyeballing shit.

In the end, they turned out pretty scrumptious and it was plenty of food to last us a few days, which I always like.

Thanks, budget bytes lady, and your sweet haircut.