Blondie Hell

In the fall, I wanted to make a delicious fall dessert. I did what any smart person would do and asked Jeeves which delicious fall dessert to make. Jeeves returned to me a list of many apple related things which sounded great. Joe has a restraining order against apples so I have to keep them at a safe distance. He doesn’t like sweets either, so more for me. Or I could share them at work. Which ever. Well, I would share them at work if I could successfully make something.

I picked an Apple Crisp Blondie (http://www.thereciperebel.com/apple-crisp-blondies/).
I looooooove blondies. And by love, I mean that I used to order them at Ruby Tuesday’s in high school and I couldn’t get enough.

What I liked about this recipe, is that it didn’t seem like a lot of ingredients. Some I already had and the others were easy to obtain. The directions seemed simple. I thought, “why are people so crazy about baking? This doesn’t look hard, at all”. Boy were they right.

I’m going to paste step 1 here for you so you don’t have to click the link. Please read this carefully, as I did not:

  • In a large bowl, melt the butter. Stir in sugar. Stir in remaining ingredients (through flour). Spread into prepared pan.
  • In a large bowl, melt the butter. Stir in sugar. Stir in remaining ingredients (through flour). Spread into prepared pan.
  • In a large bowl, melt the butter. Stir in sugar. Stir in remaining ingredients (through flour). Spread into prepared pan.

THROUGH.FLOUR.

What is through flour?!?!?!

I asked Jeeves again. Dearest Jeeves, what in the hell does “through flour” mean? I went down this rabbit hole reading about the chemistry of baking. The importance of putting certain ingredients in first and certain in last. I’m totally down with that, I can follow a list of directions. In fact, my faux-OCD would L.O.V.E. to add the ingredients as you state them in your recipe that you worked so hard to create for us viewers. I would loveeeeee to follow it correctly.

So tell me again, what is “through flour”? I feel like I need to look this up in multiple languages. Is this still english?

In case you were wondering, the “remaining ingredients” are:
1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla, pinch of salt, ½ tsp cinnamon

I thought maybe this meant that while you are adding the flour, add these things in too. As if it was raining and hailing at the same time. As if I had multiple hands to make this happen. Maybe it meant that you add a little at a time? Who knows what it meant. I’ve been asking around for some time now and no one seems to know.

I ended up just mixing everything together and baking it. Guess how it come out? Bad. Like slop. Like chunks of brown sugar. I could just pull these chunks apart and insert my tears between the chunks.

That’s what I get for thinking a recipe looked easy. I should know now that if the recipe doesn’t have in process photos, that it will probably be like hell on granite as I try to recreate it. Blondie dreams ruined forever. I even bought vanilla ice cream to put on top.

I continued to make the apple crisp topping, but by then I had given up completely.

The good news is that I found a blondie recipe in my “I Don’t Know How To Cook” cookbook and it is labeled as “medium”, not even “hard”. I’m going to attempt that one and then I will get back to you on it’s deliciousness. If you don’t hear from me, I have entered blondie hell to never return again.

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Cinnamon Rolls

Growing up, my mom would make these delicious Pilsbury cinnamon rolls. Smelling them in the morning as a child was the greatest feeling ever. Now I’m all old and realized, oh all I have to do is stick these shits in the oven? I can do that!

…not.

I don’t have these mysterious cake pans that my mom used to cook them in, but I have a cookie sheet and that looks the same color to me. Apparently not. I always burn the bottoms no matter what I do. A few years later, today, I decide to read the directions all the way through. Oh, there are special directions for a cookie sheet. Efffffff uuuuuuu. Finally, I have a delicious cinnamon roll by cooking them for 8 minutes rather then 13.
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Lets chat about this container that they come in – who invented this thing?! It is like a death trap. Wait for it to, “pop”? It’s seriously terrifying every time I have to do it.

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The other annoying thing about cinnamon rolls is waiting for them to cool before you can put the icing on, what a tease. These new kinds with the orange icing look freakin gross too.

Well, my Sunday was better after I learned to read directions.

Sometimes Dagger gives me this look of disapproval:

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