Hamburgers. Meat pockets. Shredded brown bugs. Hamburglers. Stealing my sense of pride one crumble at a time.

My poor co-worker, maid of honor, lawyer and friend had to hear me ask 1,000 questions on how to make hamburgers.  I think I broke his brain with the weirdo questions I ask. How do you know when to flip it? How much oil do you put in the pan? What if it’s a non stick pan? What if it falls apart? What if I don’t mix it well enough? I just wish recipes answered the tough questions.

Apparently ground beef has some fraction number on it, who knew meat pickin’ involved math. I think this is the fat content? I still don’t understand, I just bought what I was told to buy. Why can’t they just write “fat or no fat” on it? Or something easier to understand.

We hosted some people over and I thought I would make hamburgers for the first time, if we all survived, than that means it was a great party!


I was told to add egg, soy sauce, bread crumbs, salt and pepper to the ground beef mixture. Though I read online that you’re not supposed to handle the meat too much, don’t know what that was all about.


I start stirring all of this stuff together with the meat in a giant bowl with a plastic spoon. Touching the meat from the packaging into the bowl was gross enough, I didn’t want to be tossing it around with my hands. But alas, you have to. Grossssssss. Such an odd texture and I’m not sure how you are supposed to mix it evenly with said texture.


Then I try to form the patties with my hands, like the Internet says is so easy to do. I love how they give you measurements as if you’re using a ruler. Do they make those? Cooking rulers? I mean they make thermometers, they should make rulers too. I end up forming them like I do cookies, which is probably also incorrect. I make the bigger mistake of thinking the vegetarian could tell me if I was doing it right.

Joe’s mom comes over and I warn her that I probably messed it up badly. She has confidence in me, like she always does, but I’m tellin’ ya! She peels back the tin foil, covers it back up and starts to walk away. I ask her if it was right or not. So she points out what I could do better – the patties need to be bigger because they’re going to cook down, more round and more pressed together. I had cracks so the chunks of meat would just fall right off. Again, I was just thinking cookie slop – which usually gets bigger and stays together just fine.


I didn’t do the cooking, that’s the scariest part. Joe’s mom made them lovely on the grill for all of us. And no one got sick or died, yay! Success!

On a personal note, this was a really exciting time to host family. Using our new gadgets that we got from our wedding – even though we don’t have enough/an even number of everything yet, we’re getting there! My favorite is these awesome W napkins my real maid of honor got us.


As usual, judgement:



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