We had a Chili Cookoff at work in honor of the Superbowl. I thought, what better way to demonstrate my awful cooking than to subject all of my co-workers to it by pretending like I know what I’m doing. It was also a chance to make something I’ve never made before. And, to be honest, something I don’t even like.
My good friend Jackie makes a mean, well, everything. She makes a mean everything. I asked her to teach me her chili recipe, and thus began the madness. Her pup Rory had to help us out of course…
We decided that I would watch her one night and then she would watch me a few nights later to repeat back the exact steps. While I watched her, I took some “amazing” notes. Keyword: amazing.
Dude, chili has a lot of ingredients. How do you people do this shit?!
Might I add, her receipe comes from a cookbook by Moby. Yes, kids, Moby has a cookbook. Who would have known?
I didn’t want to tell anyone that this recipe was vegetarian, that usually scares people away. So I decided to call it Exotic Meat Chili. If only Moby was as smart as me, he would have had some good marketing there.
The first step to secure heli-camel safety is to put on a helmet of some sort. This can be a mask or helmet of your choosing. It is to protect from toxins, spices, smells, rubbing your eyes, keeps your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Or if you’re just prone to accidents like me, you might need some protection. I chose to go with the paintball mask.
I find it easier to show you a picture of all of the ingredients rather than type them all out. There’s a lot of shit! Hold on to your hats guys, this is going to be a lengthy one.
Note that the giant knife is not needed, but it makes for cool effect. The chocolate in the background is also not needed, unless you’re feeling randy. Notice the devil can opener there and the 6 cans that it needs to open. I just want you to know that it wasn’t just me who had trouble with this. It took 2 gingers and 2 tiny blonde girls to use this satan can opener.
Now, follow these easy directions written by yours truly:
- 3/4 olive oil in giant pot – My measuring skills are not up to par. I always fuck up. I have no idea why my eyes cannot aline with the lines on the cup, I got probs yo! This measuring cup is pretty sweet, it’s made for animals. Also, olive oil looks like pee. I pee a lot. I have to pee.
- chop giant onion butts off – YO! Onions are the goddamn worst. They are worse than that devil can opener. I have never cut an onion in my life, don’t ask me why, probably because they are the devil! My eyes, oh my eyes! It wasn’t the “crying”, it was the burning. Oh, the burning. I was told to put a spoon in my mouth. That shit works somehow, even if you look like a goddamn goofball. I thought Jackie was just messing with me and wanted me to look like a fool, but it actually worked. Well, sort of. I was still pretty miserable. I don’t understand why anyone would want to cut an onion, or have an onion in their food. Shit tastes gross anyways. What a waste of life, onions, what a waste. My cutting skills are not up to par. It took me a good hour to chop everything, this onion probably took the longest. My onion shavings are not very pretty either.
- shave onion shavings
- cut into little chippy guys
- put in a mixing bowl
- chop tempeh in bite sized pieces
- 4 or 5 giant cloves of garlic – 1 bulb (1/4 cup) – I got the good ol’ garlic press out for these jammies. But I feel like chopping them with a knife was easier. Damn that garlic press, it is also the devil.
- cut butts off – chop super fine
- drain beans and corn
- chop dat red pepper girl alrite giggity giggity
- chop off the buttt and head
- green and red same choppers
- chop out guts and chop off that junk
- jalapeño cut off head and butt
- put seeds in with red and green peppas
- membrane in the middle – fleshy junk
- dice up green parts and put in with peppers
how do peppers work? science, bitch! – The pepper era. Ah, the pepper era. Cutting the butts off was way easier than I thought it was going to be. I have also never cut peppers before dudes. It was actually kind of fun. And the jalapeno didn’t bother me, only the goddamn onion bothered me! I got the seeds out with a knife which was apparently weird and you’re supposed to use your fingers for that. I also eat ribs with a knife and a fork, pizza too. So sue me!
- tablespoon cumin
- half tbsp cyanne pepper
- teaspoon smoked paprika
- tbsp chili powder
- half teaspoon garlic salt
- quarter teaspoon crushed red pepper
- Ah, the spice era. I have to share this picture of when Jackie combined the spices, it was so damn pretty. Then I go and do it with these crazy little measuring spoons that make no sense. You have to eye ball the measurements, while using a measuring device. How is that fair?! Alls fair in love and chili.
- turn stove on medium bitch to heat oil
- onions in – 5 min
- do the stanky leg while stirring
- put garlic in and it’s gonna smell like garlic up in this bitch
- stir together for a few min
- tempeh in for a few min
- peppers in for a few min stir
- spices in stir a bit
- wait 5 min
- if it looks like poop than you’re doing it right
- all tomatoes in
- stir for a min
- corn beans in from strainer
- stir for a min
- medium low for an hour
- it’ll be kinda bubbly guy
- stir every now and then
- if too liquidy, use lid
- cheddar cheese
That wasnt so hard, right? The best part was having Jackie read them back to me when it was my turn to make it. Good thing I had her there to assist me, I would have forgotten most of what to do.
It was actually ediable, impressive, right?! Well, edible for everyone except me. It was too damn spicey! My tongue does not like spice, I can barely do pepper most of the time. I had such a hard time eating it, such a fail. It may have been the fact that it was still temperature hot though. It wasn’t so bad the next day. After this I learned that jalapenos can range in their hot-ness, kind of like the chicks on Baywatch. Whoda thunk it?
My buddy Dan won the chili cook off, as he should! Who knows what place I came in, ideally last. Because, lets face it, this is a fail blog. Maybe Dan will guest blog next about how to make a successful pot of chili, one to remember, one to love, one to poop out later.
And in the end, not a single fuck was given that day: