Usually on Sunday nights I make myself a bland ass dinner. Bland ass chicken, bland ass mashed potatoes, and bland ass green beans. I take it to work as leftovers and my co-workers make fun of me for my super white meal with no sauce or flavor. So this time I decided to try to jazz it up, and guess what, my food still got called bland and even powdery. Well listen up, it’s time to make some chickens stuffed with spinach and cream cheese and other random junk from your trunk.
I liked this recipe because I already had most of the ingredients. My beef with most recipes is that it calls for 1/4 of something that I have to go out and buy and will never use again. Though, that’s my beef with this recipe too. 1/4 teaspoon of a spice, am I even gonna taste that? What is the point. I dernt kner. But the chef gods of the world tell me it’s how this shit rolls, so let’s roll…
First ya make the filling.
1. 4 ounces of cream cheese – okay but my measuring cup is CUPS, how do I measure ounces? Oh cool, cup, you have ounces too. Except the damn cream cheese sticks to the spoon, how are you supposed to get this shit off? Maybe a handy fork will work. Nope, just getting more stuck. Did I mention I don’t even like cream cheese? Maybe a spoon will help me to get the stuck shit off the fork. Now I’m more stuck. I wish I could use an emoticon right now.
2. Half cup packed, baby spinach, chopped – Why do they only sell ingredients in large ass sizes? I have this giant tub of spinach and I only need a half cup? Can I has moar? Will chopping it and not chopping it make it different measurements? I’ll let Joe do the chopping, because as we all know, I would mess this shit up. Let’s also put it in the same measuring cup the cream cheese was in because I don’t like to dirty more dishes and all this shit is going to the same place anyways. The toilet, amirite?
3. 2 scallions – newp. bye. Half a jalapeño – newp. bye. Half teaspoon of salt – newp. bye. Salt is bad, mmmkay. And wtf good is a half of a teaspoon going to do? Seems super pointless.
4. 3 cloves (1 tablespoon) fresh garlic, minced – garlic still scares me since my incident with the nutcracker. I had Joe tear it up because I’m always afraid of doing it wrong, but then he made me crush it in the press. Though I am very impressed with myself, I crushed this shit like a boss. I guess I got some muscles since my last attempt at garlic.
5. Half teaspoon red pepper flakes and fourth teaspoon of ground black pepper – Add more really small measurements of spices because that makes fucking sense. Why do spices exist? Someone, somewhere was like Yo let’s make this really fine shit that people will go nuts for sprinkling it all on top of their food thinkin’ it taste all good. Placebo effect, I’m telling ya. Why do these tiny measurements exist too? I do not understand the point in something so small, how can it have an effect? If you say so…
So now you mix all that shit together with a rubber spatula. First of all, whys it gotta be rubber? Does that prevent sticking? I thought we didn’t have a rubber spatula because for some reason I pictured them white. Whys it gotta be white? Doesn’t fucking work anyways. Clumps of cream cheese it is!
Now to prepare the chickens…
The recipe said to butterfly the chicken breasts. What in the flying ferdinand is butterfly? It probably involves some fancy knife trick that I am not familiar with. You know what a better solution is? Just buy the chicken thinner, then you do less work, duh dummies. This bites me in the ass later…
1. Take 2 eggs and beat em in a bowl. Joe complimented my egg cracking skills, yay I can do something right!
2. Time to combine some more useless amounts of shit and I’m skipping the salt again – fourth teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper (I have such a problem with these terms, freshly ground? It’s effing pepper), half teaspoon of italian seasoning (I had 2 jars, 1 with holes and 1 that opened up completely so I decided to use the wide open top in order to stick the measuring guy inside – yay efficiency), half cup grated parmesan cheese, 1 and a half cup panko bread crumbs (oops I only had regular type, that’ll do)
3. Cheese. This is where I fucked up the most. The way the recipe was written, it was like I was supposed to mix the cheese into this bread crumb bowl mixture. But really I was supposed to save it to put on top of the creme cheese concoction. So anyways, it says 4 slices of swiss or mozz cheese. All I have is shredded cheese, so what do I do? Take out a slice of cheese and lay the mozz on top until I get myself a slice full of shredded cheese. Until Joe points out that these packages have measurements on them, so I can figure this one out easier if only I knew math.
Now that you got all your bowls together with your shit, you’re ready to mix and dip and dance a doodle doo.
1. Take your “butterflied” chicken *eye roll* and scoop some creme cheese mixture into the middle then roll that bitch up. If you’re smart, you’ll use a toothpick to hold it together. If you’re me, you’ll use your hands and YOLO
2. Dip that bitch into the eggs
3. Dip that bitch into the bread crumb mixture
4. Set that rolled up bitch in your pan. Water, rinse, repeat with the rest of your breasts. But be careful to not get any on your actual breasticles. If you did use toothpicks, don’t forget to take them out when it’s time to eat. That’s what the recipe says anyways, probably to protect idiots like me who will assume toothpicks are editable.
5. Now bake these little bitches for some amount of time at some temperature (I can’t give all my secrets away). And if you’re me and didn’t butterfly your breasticles, you will end up cooking the chicken for way too long and it’ll taste dry and the mozz you accidentally put on the outside will just burn up.
Enjoy your pile of shit. Go be a vegetarian asshole.
The cats and their feet could not even be bothered with this recipe: