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Author Archives: bowzerscastle

Cinnamon Rolls

Growing up, my mom would make these delicious Pilsbury cinnamon rolls. Smelling them in the morning as a child was the greatest feeling ever. Now I’m all old and realized, oh all I have to do is stick these shits in the oven? I can do that!

…not.

I don’t have these mysterious cake pans that my mom used to cook them in, but I have a cookie sheet and that looks the same color to me. Apparently not. I always burn the bottoms no matter what I do. A few years later, today, I decide to read the directions all the way through. Oh, there are special directions for a cookie sheet. Efffffff uuuuuuu. Finally, I have a delicious cinnamon roll by cooking them for 8 minutes rather then 13.
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Lets chat about this container that they come in – who invented this thing?! It is like a death trap. Wait for it to, “pop”? It’s seriously terrifying every time I have to do it.

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The other annoying thing about cinnamon rolls is waiting for them to cool before you can put the icing on, what a tease. These new kinds with the orange icing look freakin gross too.

Well, my Sunday was better after I learned to read directions.

Sometimes Dagger gives me this look of disapproval:

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Cheese is accidentally delicious

Here is a true failure for ya.

My friend Brea sent me this recipe for broccoli and cheese stuffed chicken, the concept sounded simple.

I started reading the recipe and it says some crazy nonsense about doing art with your cheese. I do not feel like cutting it up into triangles and trapizoids, I just want to eat it!

I decided that I would just stick a chunk of cheese and piece of broccoli and roll that bitch up… Sweet, chicken isn’t long enough to roll up. The recipe also said something about toothpicks to hold it all together, but I am not down with getting a splinter in my food.

I decided to just lay the chicken out, stick some cheese and a piece of broccoli on top and see what happens. Great, now my pan is too small and i have to dirty another one, I hate when this happens!

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Brea called me and suggested that I use a meat tenderizer to beat my meat with in order to make the pieces longer. But I have no such tool, maybe someone wants to buy me one? While on the phone with Brea, Joe starts yelling to me that the water for the potatoes keeps boiling over. We just moved and are using a cooktop now, which we need to get used to using apparently.
Next comes the great debate of bread crumbs:

  1. The directions say for frying so Joe thinks I can’t use them for baking, but I’ve seen people use these!
  2.  I read the directions and notice there is a section title FOR BAKING!
  3.  It says I need an egg or milk… I have no eggs and we discuss that a milk would be too thin
  4.  Good thing I have Brea to tell me to use olive oil!
  5.  Whoops, I spilled it all over the pan like no body’s business.
  6. Whatever.

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In the mean time, I need to cook the rest of this bag of broccoli, but it is one of those steam in bag things and it says not to puncture bag before putting into microwave. I was about to ignore it and stick it in the microwave, when Joe decided to read the rest of the directions. Oh look at that, you can actually eat it raw or steam on the stove. Let’s steam this bitch! mmmmmmm! (Lesson learned: we never read ALL of the directions!)

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Ok guys, prepare yourselves… This shit was so delicious! Here I thought I was using pepper jack cheese when it turns out it was jalapeño and Cayenne pepper. Thanks for tricking me, Joe. But it was nice because the taste from the cheese spread over everything. Accidental cheese is yummy. It’s great that what started out looking like a disaster, turned out to be really good! And easy too ;)

Funny though because this picture makes it look real gross:

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And don’t worry, the potatoes that we’re boiling over earlier, they survived:

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Dozey is enjoying her new counter top, ya;ll:

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What I did during the Superbowl

(I know guys, I’m like 100 years late with this post)

It’s pretty exciting for Baltimore to be involved in the Superbowl, I definitely dig things that happen for my city. But. Football is god awfully boring. So lets make some stuffed shells!

As usual, I am inspired by Budget Bytes. But I am also inspired by my co worker, Sarah, who has also shared a recipe with me.

First of all, I had no idea what ricotta cheese looked like so I had to google image search it while in Safeway.

I had to take this image of all of my ingredients multiple times because I kept forgetting something. This is a lot of steps for me! There is some green leafy shit, some white shredded shit, some green throw up lookin’ shit, some more white shit and some red shit. This is going to be real ugly.

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First is the great debate over how long to boil the shells for. The box says 9 min if they’re going in the oven, 12 if not. The recipe says to cook them “according to the box (12 min)”. Bitch, you don’t know what my box says! Lets go with 9. (I didn’t mean to call her a bitch, I’m sure she is awesome – and she looks gorgeous)

Another issue is how many shells to make – the recipe says 22 and my box has 35, what am I going to do with just a few left over shells? I decided to take them out anyways – by counting backwards. My counting skills are not the greatest and apparently I should have taken out 6 more.

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My measuring skills are also not the greatest. I do like this recipe because she includes oz and cups. But my bags of ingredients only say ounces. Luckily, my measuring cup tells me both. But wtf is this shit – the bag says 8 oz makes 2 cups. But my measuring cup says 8 oz is 1 cup. Someone is obviously drunk – is it the cheese maker or the measuring cup maker? (Yes, now I have learned the difference between wet and dry measuring).

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Once you learn how to measure, you combine all of the ingredients into a bowl. If your mixture looks like throw up, that means you are done.

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Now you gotta stuff them bitches without breaking them, seems like a lot of pressure.

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We seemed to handle it well though.

Nice and stuffed and time to put in the oven, then you wait, and wait…

Now when Joe took his first bite and made some weird sound, I was like holy shit what did I do wrong. It was a sound of YUM! Yay success! Just a few bumps in the road. This recipe was damn delicious, I definitely recommend it.

As I finish this post… amost 2 months later… The Ravens won the Superbowl, there was a parade in the streets, and now all the players are getting sold off to other teams. Good job, Baltimore! (Disclaimer: I know nothing about sports, just read about it on all your Facebooks)

Here’s some Ravens trottin’ down the street like puppets for everyone to speculate:
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Here is how Dozey feels about football:

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K Bye!

My pizza’s name is Earl

Before I begin, you must know that I am sad. Our dinner TV show has been My Name is Earl and we have come to the end, done with all the episodes. I really enjoyed watching Earl and Randy. Their shenanigans remind me of my cooking. So this post is dedicated to Earl.

There is this delicious pizza joint right outside of my living quarters called Pasta Mista. They are great because they get creative with their pizza. Spaghetti pizza is an all time fav. I was looking around the kitchen to see what sort of ingredients I could throw onto my pizza and it hit me – ZITI PIZZA! Genuis right here. I had wanted to make a pizza after my step mom telling me about Naan that she got from Wegmans. (I still don’t know how to say “Naan” correctly)

Alright, let’s gather our shit:

Google: First you need to google how to make a pizza. Everyone on the internet seems to think I am using legit pizza dough and they want me to preheat the oven to something like 550. That sounds like I’m going to burn my house down. I think I’ll go with the directions on the Naan packaging. Which was something like 350.

Naan: Now put that shit on a cookie sheet.

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Ragu Pizza Sauce: Because you are a child. Now spread that shit.


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ADD Moment: Look at the directions they put on this jar for kids. “Heat it up til it’s hot” – this is what I am talking about party people. What does that even mean?! If I were a kid, and I practically am, I would throw that shit in the oven at the highest temperature for about an hour because that is my idea of “heated up”. Can I get some specifics, people of the directions world?

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Mozzarella Cheese: I mean, what else?

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Noodles: Shit, you already messed up. How am I going to get the noodles UNDER the cheese? I sort of attempted to scoop it up and recover it. Whatever, it works, don’t judge me bro. Also, shut up that I am using Rotini noodles and not Ziti noodles which I guess is actually Penne. A noodle is a noodle, it stresses me out that we need to define each noodle. They all taste the same! I also suggest you cook these noodles (by cook I mean boil on the stove like you normally would by following the directions on the box) before you apply them to your pizza.

Spinach: Just toss it on top, I’m not really sure what else to do here.

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Oven: Stick it and wait. Don’t wait too long, or too short. I waited too short. About 7 minutes.

But oh muh lawd this was delicious…

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The cats were pissed that they couldn’t have any, but at least they had fun watching:

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Black Bean Papyrus Wraps

I feel like if you put the word “Papyrus” into the title of something then people automatically think it’s something fancy. But as you know, I hate papyrus. Nothing with papyrus in the title is of any good to you, take my word for it! No, not even the cards. So now you can imagine how upset I was when I had to buy tortillas that used the font papyrus, and oh they used it loud and proud! I expected more for, you, Goya!

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This idea blossomed from my favorite (and only) recipe site, Budget Bytes. I then mentioned it to my oh so domestic friend, Jackie, who helped my further.

This recipe calls for black beans, fire roasted tomatoes, spinach, and cheese of course.

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Step 1: Drain beans
Step 2: Drain tomatoes
My wall block: I hate having to dirty more dishes then I need to, especially when we only have 2 strainers to begin with. Fuck this shit, both these bitches are going in the same strainer. Mix mix mix!
Step 3: Put some oil in then pan… Wtf is SOME? I obviously put too much. The first piece was COATED in oil. Is “some” a scientific measurement?!
Step 4: Turn burner to medium high.
My wall block: This is my biggest complaint about directions, what is medium high?! Can’t you just give me a number! I always screw this one up. I guess we’ll go with 5 even though 5 is right in the middle so one would think that is medium not medium high.
Step 5: Pull out your tortilla from the ugly ass papyrus covered package and place it in frying pan
Step 6: Add ingredients and trust yourself to place them properly and to not make a mess in the pan (ha!)
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Step 7: Fold over tortilla and wait some unspecified amount of time which means its going to burn or not cook at all so when you try to flip it, it all falls apart on you
Step 8: Use 2 spatulas to flip because you are handicap
Step 9: Put that shit in your mouth hole

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This one turned out pretty delicious minus the first one that was all oily that Joe was forced to eat. Trust yourself while cooking in 2013, neighbors.

Meanwhile, Dozey was searching for something behind the fridge…

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Hello 2013

Dear Bloggers,

I am so sorry I have neglected you. Blogging and I have a love-hate relationship. I mean, who wants to do anything besides sleep after they eat? Maybe if Siri actually understood the things that I say then I could just have her record my rantings while I cook. But alas, technology fails us again.

It’s a new year which means it is time for… food, dude, what else? I don’t believe in resolutions, make a change any day at any time of the year. For instance, get a kitten!

In November, we decided to bring home a new baby kitten! I present to you, Dagger Head, M.D. (he’s a doctor). Also known as Dag, Dags, Daggy, Little Shit, Little Devil, and Hey Buddy. He is quite the devil, but we love him nonetheless. He tortures Dozey all day long, but I’m pretty sure she loves it. They bathe each other, wrestle, cuddle, eat together, drink together, quite the buddies they are.

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I hope everyone had a great holiday season and ate a lot of good food. I know I did a lot of eating and no cooking. Unfortunate to have no stories to report, but fortunate that no one had to suffer through my horrible cooking at the holidays. That would be worse then coal in your stocking!

This was just a post to welcome Dagger into the Cats Can’t Cook family and to say Hello Again! Stay tuned for “How to Screw up a Salad” and “Black Bean Papyrus Wraps”.

Tater Tot Tacos

What is with Dozey’s shoe obsession lately?

Back when we had 36 tortillas to eat, we had to come up with some creative ideas. Now, I can’t take full credit for this particular item. We all have Taco Bell to thank for their Crispy Potato Soft Taco. (Wow, Taco Bell, I am impressed with your website)

They describe it as; “A warm, soft flour tortilla filled with crispy potato bites, pepper jack sauce, crisp shredded lettuce, and real cheddar cheese.”

Let us try to recreate this delicious masterpiece…

  • Warm…not so much
  • Soft flour tortilla…yes!
  • Crispy potato bites…I think that is just marketing language for tater tot, which we definitely have that on hand
  • Pepper jack sauce… don’t have any of this, but who likes condiments anyways? Not I!
  • Crisp shredded lettuce… more marketing terms, yes I have some damn lettuce
  • Real cheddar cheese… as apposed to fake? It’s cool, got that too. Although, Taco Bell, you piss me off with your cheese portions. You barely put any on this particular taco and sometimes none at all. When I ask for extra cheese, you charge me a dollar. Screw you and your cheese hoarding.

Let us also add some tomatoes on top because they’re gosh darn delicious.

This tater tot taco does not require many steps to create:

  • Preheat oven..that is the worst part
  • Bake tater tots…ok
  • Cut up tomatoes
  • Throw shit into tortilla
  • Eat it.

Trust me, it’s the best creation yet.

Cooking like a Cat

This image accurately describes how I feel about cooking:

Nutcracker Garlic

Dozey’s boyfriend, Frank (who is actually Joe’s best friend) is quite the amazing cook. He came over and made some delicious asparagus with garlic the other evening. The next night, I asked him to show me how to use real garlic and put it into pasta. Here is what I learned:

1. Taking the crinkly paper feeling type stuff off of the garlic is quite a long process, I’m impatient dammit!

2. I was just waiting to use the nutcracker thing once the paper stuff was taken off

3. Still waiting

4. He cut some brown shit off of the garlic

5. Apparently these garlic pieces are called cloves?

6. It’s finally time for me to use the nutcracker looking thing (a garlic press?)

7. I am not strong enough to use this nutcracker. I am standing on my tippy toes because somehow I think this will help me.

The moral of the story: There was no point in learning how to use this nutcracker thing because I’m not strong enough therefore I will never get to put garlic in my foods.

om nom nom

Rosemary Roasted Garlic Cats

Grocery store adventures with a partner make the trip much more worth while. Joe decided to pick up some Tailapia while I picked up my usual chicken strips – or as they are officially called “breast tenderloins”.

The meat section surprised me today, everything was so cheap! All this chicken for 3 dollars, it’s going to last me for days. (These are things that you don’t know about when you have been living off of frozen meals for years). We decided to try another one of these Kraft style shake n bakes, Rosemary and Roasted Garlic. The directions say for chicken or fish so we assume we are good to go…

We finish up in the frozen section of the grocery store and we are realizing, why do we buy all of this frozen crap when we could make this same stuff and it would be way better? In this instance, we decided to scoop up some potatoes, my favorite!

In my head, the plan is for “little roasted fried potato jammies”, so I ask my good cookin’ buddy Jackie how to make said product. Apparently roasted means in the oven and fried means in the pan. My b! If you think back to one of my many breakfast potato feeaskos, you know I have attempted this task before. This time, I will leave it to Joe. He has all sorts of plans for garlic, olive oil, and pepper. Psh, who uses any sort of seasoning? Not this gal!

Time to get started!

  1.  Gather supplies for cooking chicken and fish - danger! What are we cooking in? We have to keep these jammies separate. Apparently cookie sheets will work for our task. I am used to calling these things cookie sheets, where as most people call these baking sheets. (Thanks, mom!)
  2. How long do we cook our products for? The directions say, “BAKE. Until Done.” Really, Kraft, really?! It isn’t until you get inside of the package that it actually tells you how long to bake for. (Bad design, Kraft)
  3. Time to shake. We need to separate the shake materials so my chicken juice doesn’t get on his fish juice. Here goes the process of emptying out some of the product into another plastic bag – thank the chicken gods nothing bad happened during this process. But make sure to do this over the sink to avoid any potential disaster in your kitchen.
  4. Now I shall shake my chicken. (I shake my cheese back and forth, I shake my cheese back and forth). The funny part about shake n bake is that it doesn’t actually work. I really am just flipping the chicken strip around inside the bag and then throwing some on top once I have it placed on the cookie sheet.
  5. “Coat baking pan with cooking spray” – whelp, I don’t own any of this. Aluminum Foil it is!  Al-oo-min-e-um. Here we go! The chicken and Tilpaia (how the eff do you spell Tilapia?!) basically look the same, ha.
  6. When I was in school, I took a Nutrition class where we watched a video about people cooking meat in their houses. It was so gross how people would not wash their hands thoroughly and then wipe them on a towel and the meat juice would basically end up all over their kitchen. So the most important step, is to wash your damn hands! (Cheetah finger nails, optional. Hello Kitty soap, mandatory.)

All while I’m doing this with grimey chicken hands, Dozey is trying to play fetch. What a great helper.

Meanwhile, Joe has been working on the potatoes and doing quite the excellent job. Look at all of this olive oil and garlic! If it were me, I would have put like a teaspoon of olive oil and been too lazy to cut up any garlic. (My eyes are watering already). He seems to think 3 potatoes was enough, but I’m a potato fiend. The best quote was – “I’m going to add some pepper, as long as we don’t catch on fire, we’re doing okay”. Cooking the potatoes this way turns me off because I hate scooting shit around in a pan, I just don’t get it.

Something I did do right during this process is guessing the time on how long each thing would take. Hey, I’m learning something! That is one of my biggest peeves about cooking though, timing the shit and doing all this shit at once. I am damn good at multi tasking, but not when it is something that HAS to be done or your house will blow up. (Irony: after we finished eating, the fire alarm in our building went off – not our fault!)

Rosemary Roasted Garlic Chicken Cats deliciousness!

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