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Shit People Say…

Posted on May 20, 2012 by bowzerscastle

This first statement will follow my blogs theme, the rest will not.

I walked into the grocery store and see all of the baked beans in front of me. I’ve been eating vegetarian baked beans for a few years now because of Joe. So I said out loud, “all baked beans taste the same who cares” and the guy stocking the shelves was shocked at my statement and said “did you just say all beans taste the same?!?!” Why yes sir, I did. I’m sorry my taste buds are not skilled in the world of beans like your own.

Yesterday while in Walgreens, I’m texting away and this older black lady that was buying Depends came up to me and said “I want to give you this…” I swear the paper said “DEATH, what?” As I was glancing at it she was saying some nonsense about how she wants it to bless me and how she is blessed and is blessing me. Lady, I didn’t sneeze. I handed it back to her saying “I don’t want…” she said “oh you don’t want it?” Then she went on her way purchasing her Depends. WTF just happened? All the while Joe thought the paper said “Deaf” not “Death” which is really just a whole nother story.

Now I wonder what I must look like to God loving creatures – apparently I need to be saved and blessed and shit.

A bar that we frequent called the Rec Room held some interesting characters the past 2 weeks. Let me introduce Doctor Craig to you…

Allie and I were sitting at a table discussing jobs, life, and kittens when Doctor Craig approached us.He guessed our ages and occupations: Allie is a 28 year old nurse while I am a 25 year old shoe salesmen who is flat broke, according to 27 year old Greg who is a doctor of physical therapy.

When asked what we wanted most out of life, he mistook the word kitties for titties. I mean, who wouldn’t? His girlfriend is studying physical therapy in North Carolina. I bet she is banging some hot physical therapist and now Doctor Craig is depressed and trying to compensate. (I kept thinking he was saying Craig not Greg that’s why we named him that).

He kept disappearing and coming back to our table. The second time he started asking his about our finacees (?) and said “Wait, are you engaged? Yeah, you are. I know you. I talked to you earlier” (?!?!???) Then he asked if we were sure we wanted to get married, he believed Allie but didn’t believe me HAHA! I’m not gonna lie, shit was hilarious.

In between Doctor Craig’s visits, this muscely dude with a cross necklace came up and tried to strike conversation. He was really bad at it and got some awful stares from us. So he decided to bring up Doctor Craig as his point of conversation. I guess he thought he would save us from the drunk guy, when really this guy needed some saving of his own. Maybe I should refer him to “DEATH, what?” lady. He gave up quickly and ran off.

The week before which was Frank’s birthday had some interesting series of events (the boys were dressed in suits, FYI):

  • Creepy guy bought Amanda a drink
  • Creepy guy asked me to dance, but I couldn’t hear him, when I finally understood him I said “No” with a giant attitude
  • Creepy guy in a hawiian shirt bought everyone shots, talked to Frank about anime, and was trying to pick Frank up
  • Outside a guy pushed another guy into Amanda
  • I watched a girl pick her front wedgie
  • A girl burped in my face

I. Hate. Bars. And. Drunk. People.

In conclusion, a lady at Bed, Bath, and Beyond sold me this odor eliminating stuff that is suppossed to really work! But it has Papyrus all over it. I was going to tell her I didn’t want to buy it for that reason alone, but I knew she wouldn’t have known what that meant. She was a great sales lady, so I bought it, especially because I would love odors to go away. If it doesn’t work, I’m taking it back and throwing it in her Papyrus loving ass face. (Since I brought up Papyrus, now I can tag this post with typography…or lack there of)

This is what Dozey was doing while I was typing this:

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Breakfast Potatoes #2

Posted on May 12, 2012 by bowzerscastle

First, here is Dozey enjoying some chicken:

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We must be on a breakfast potato kick because we decided to try Ore Ida’s frozen bag of hash browns. I was laying in bed starving while Joe was snoring away. When I’m starving, I need my food and I need it now, no time to wait for crazy culinary tricks. I was really hoping Ore Ida would let me put their hash browns in the microwave.

I pull out the bag and start reading the directions “pre heat oven, mix this condiment and that condiment galore” I was like, Ore Ida say whaaa? Oh, that’s directions for some casserole, let’s turn the bag…

Here we go, frying pan, lid, oil, sweet… “flip do not stir” wtf how do you flip a pan filled with little tiny pieces without accidentally stirring it? This terrifies me. Well, as I was trying to flip I am sure I stirred instead. And your hash browns didn’t kill me, Ore Ida!

But I did start to freak out when some of them started crisping so I assumed that meant they were all done even though most of them were still white. Totally ate them anyways. A potato is a potato, son!

Another piece of the directions that pondered my brain. “Use a 12 inch skillet, for half a bag use 4 tbsp of oil, for the whole bag use some other number that I can’t remember”

1. I don’t have it memorized of what size my frying pan is
2. I have no idea how many potatoes are going to fit into this pan, I am assuming less then half a bag so I guess I’ll just go with 2 tbsp of oil. What’s annoying is that you can’t turn back. The oil is doing its job under the hash browns, that I have now used a half bag of. And there is no turning back, I need to get back under there and add more oil for my now half a bag, but that just ain’t gonna fly.

This “eye balling” shit involved with cooking does not go well with my brain activity, or lack there of.

Whatevs, my hash browns were good and Joe got potatoes in bed again.

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Dou Loux loves cats, too!

Posted on May 2, 2012 by bowzerscastle

This weekend I may go with my friends in Dou Loux to paint some pottery! I feel like this is going to be a huge disaster, thus making you all laugh at me in a later post. But I would like to introduce you to Dou Loux…

Dou Loux consists of my very best friend, Melanie, and her fiancee, Byron. These 2 are such a power team. Anything that is creative that you can think of – they can do. Crafty, hair styling, drawing, cooking, graphic designey, webby sites, all of it and more. Champions I tell you, champions!

You must check out the current stuffs they have for sale. And now I will bombard you with all of their internet lands:

http://www.douloux.com

http://www.etsy.com/shop/douloux

http://www.facebook.com/douloux

http://www.twitter.com/#!/douloux

Click those bitches!

I don’t really know what else to say except for, amazing. And you’d be an idiot to not buy something.

(No picture of a cat today, but if you check out Dou Loux, I am sure you will see a cat sticking its tongue out)

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Cats love steak…and so do I

Posted on April 30, 2012 by bowzerscastle

Steak. Such a delicious creature. Dozey agrees, too. Which is actually such a shame because it really terrifies me when it’s in its pre-cooked form. I don’t enjoy looking at meat or touching meat before it’s cooked. I also really love animals and hate that I eat them often. Sorry, animals, but man you’re delicious. Not only that, but I’ve been told I’d shrivel away to nothing if I didn’t eat meat.

I get asked a lot how Joe and I eat together…

  • I eat meat. He doesn’t.
  • He eats seafood. I don’t.
  • He drinks beer. I don’t.
  • I love sweets. He doesn’t. (yay, more for me!)
  • He loves sushi. I don’t.
  • He loves tofu. Eh, it’s okay.
  • Potatoes? Oh hell yeah dawg!

I honestly don’t know how we do it, but it seems to work out fine. I’ll eat the fake meat and he’ll sneak a bite of my ice cream. But the sushi and the beer I won’t budge on. The meat he obviously wont budge on. Which makes it harder to cook meat knowing that I wont get much help.

So let’s call mom! “Mom, how do I make a steak?”

After her instructions, I successfully made and enjoyed a delicious steak for about 3 days straight. Along with my instant mashed potatoes and green beans, of course.

Now let’s discuss the commentary when I shared with people how I made said steak…

“You baked a steak?!”

“Did you tenderize it?”

“Did you put anything on it?”

“Not even salt and pepper?!”

Apparently this was a bit of a disaster. But hey man, when your taste buds aren’t picky, it makes things easier on you while cooking it. Do I really want to stand there for so many minutes to beat my meat? (I just laughed at my own self for writing that, WordPress viewers, and I am not going to hit the backspace!) Why would I waste my time and money throwing crap on top of my meat when I can just throw the bad boy in the oven and wait a while?

It all tastes the same. Seriously. We go to this nice ass steak joint across the street and I’ve tried them all, they all taste the frikken same. Just give me the cheapest, smallest one so I can enjoy it for 3 meals straight.

Dozey agrees. She’s like, dude, drop a girl some meat. And this is how we feel after we eat it:

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Shit People Say About Breakfast Potatoes

Posted on April 27, 2012 by bowzerscastle

Breakfast, potatoes, Joe Red, and Jackie – 4 of my favorite things.

We picked up these adorable little potatoes from Trader Joes and I said – these would be perfect for breakfast, let’s fry ‘em up! Then I thought, what does that even mean? I have no clue how to “fry ‘em up”.

My friend Jackie just got engaged and I believe that Roo proposed to her simply because she has been making him delicious meals for 10 years. (kidding, dudes). So I decided that I needed to enlist her help while I “fried up” these adorable little potatoes. While I’m texting her one Saturday morning about my potatoes, she tells me she is doing the exact same thing… only she’s also got crazy breakfast sandwiches going on. (Geeze, I am not up to par with this one. How will I ever get a husband!)

I take these potatoes, cut them in half (hey, they’re already small, I shouldn’t have to do much cutting!) throw ‘em in the frying pan, add some salt and pepper and push those little fuckers around town with my manly ass spatula. Some of them are turning brown, some of them are not. The interwebz said about 20 minutes…but hell this has only taken me about 10! I try to cut one in half with a SPOON and it doesn’t work so I’m like shit these can’t be done, but they’re brown?! (Apparently you shouldn’t be able to cut them with a spoon like I thought…my brain was in mashed potato land, wrong potato land!)

When they’re just about done, I take one to Joe who is still in bed. “Hey babe, I brought you a potato in bed”…

Then we enjoyed our potatoes…oh and eggs too.

The following Saturday, it is potato breakfast take 2. This time Joe has purchased some hash browns in a bag, the frozen type. I let him handle this one, I stood back, and this is what I overheard…

“I need to wear the biggest clothes possible so I don’t light myself on fire”

“Vegetable oil or olive oil? Vegetable oil or olive oil? Vegetable oil or olive oil? Vegetable oil or olive oil? We don’t have vegetable oil…so use olive oil…but…”

“Can you Google the combustion of olive oil?”

I don’t know what happened in that kitchen. All I know is that it tasted damn good.

I guess we will count these potato adventures as mediocre successes and not complete failures!

Lessons learned: Cut potatoes smaller. Olive oil will not set the kitchen on fire. Frozen bag of hash browns are delicious. My meals are not delicious enough to get a husband. Learn from Jackie.

Look ma, no paws:

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Cats have limited food choices…and so do I

Posted on April 4, 2012 by bowzerscastle

Cats have limited food choices. I feel so bad giving her the same 6 types of wet food, trying to make sure I don’t give her the same one 2 nights in a row. Can she tell? Does she mind? I wonder what research says about cats tastes buds.

Here’s some research about my taste buds, as if I were my own species that you need to please…

You could say I’m a picky eater. But I feel that is implying that I, deep down in my soul, feel this way. When really, it’s just my taste buds. I can’t control the way they react! They are quite sensitive. I can’t handle spicy, I can barely handle pepper or onions.

The common consensus among my peers is that I’m not a fan of condiments. “What about ketchup with french fries or gravy with mashed potatoes”?! Hell to the no! Why would you want to cover up the delicious taste of potatoes? People’s responses – “because a potato has such a strong taste”?!  YES YES IT DOES AND IT IS DELICIOUS!

(this is the part where you list a bunch of condiments to ask me if I like them, then get surprised when I say no)

I will say that I didn’t grow up with much variety in my meals, but these days I am open to trying things. I actually hope and wish I will find new things that I like because I get sick of my usual meals. Sometimes I crave things that I don’t even like!

This brings me to the task at hand…
I had a bunch of coupons for pasta and pasta sauce, so I need some creative ideas of what to do with it!

(apparently pasta sauce is considered a condiment, I didn’t like it growing up, but now I do…)

This is what I have…

Sauce choices:
Four cheese rosa
Roasted garlic parmesan
Tomato basil garlic
Three cheese
Tomato basil marinara

Noodle choices:
Penne rigate
Farfalle
Rotini

Pet peeve: When people describe what they made for dinner and they mention the noodle type in hopes to sound more exotic. Dude, all the noodles taste the same, they’re just a different shape. And those long ones creep me out, they’re like little worms.

The rules: I’d like to keep the suggestions mostly vegetarian so I can feed the boyfriend too. Otherwise, I’ll just keep ruling out your suggestions because of my “picky” taste buds ;)

Stay tuned for the disasters that occur after using your suggestions!

This is my cat being majestic as shit:

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The Internet Failed Me #1

Posted on March 29, 2012 by bowzerscastle

In this day and age, the Internet (did you know you’re supposed to capitalize the I in Internet? crazy!) can be such a great place. You can find just about anything, why ask people questions when you can just Google it? But, the Internet always fails me in my cooking adventures. That was another option for the title of this blog – The Internet Failed Me dot com.

Let me tell you how the internet failed me in making French Toast.

1. This is the first problem I saw: Dip the bread slices into the mixture you’ve made in the bowl

I understand that people have been making french toast for a bajillion years now by dipping the bread into the bowl, but why did no one notice that bread is SQUARE and a bowl is ROUND?! This boggles my mind. It’s like that game you played when you were little with the wood blocks, trying to fit the right shapes into the right holes. You would bang and bang the circle onto the octagon shape swearing that it should work! But even a child wouldn’t make this mistake, a square into a circle, really?! This idea is SO flawed.

How I messed it up (because a square doesn’t fit into a circle) – The first part of the bread that gets dipped in is super soggy, I flip it over and that side gets covered with the mixture at just the right amount. So I think “Yes! I did it!” Nope, what about the middle of the bread that didn’t even touch the mixture because it’s a damn bowl and this is a damn piece of bread! Another mishap was that the bread got so soggy on the one side, that it just fell apart! (It also doesn’t help that I’m using Target brand bread…)

Fail.

2. Second problem: Fry the soaked bread on one side until golden brown, then turn and fry other side until browned. Or use a nonstick pan, or add the butter in a frying pan ordinary, to avoid the French toast stick to the pan.

There is so many things wrong with this piece of direction.

a.) I can’t see the side that is face down, so how do I know when it is golden brown? This step was the SAME on every website I looked at, no one wanted to give a time limit. Not even a ball park estimate. Really people?

b.) If I use a nonstick pan, do I still use butter? And wtf does “ordinary” mean in this sentence? I blame the brits. Well, I used the nonstick pan AND butter and guess what people? It was still sticking.

3. What about the temperature on the stove? Low heat? Medium? High? Come on people, details!

How I messed it up – Each piece was cooked differently. Mostly wasn’t cooked long enough, fell apart, stuck to the pan… I tried different heats on the stove, didn’t change much. In the end it tasted like toast with a dash of cinnamon. Some spots tasted like straight up egg and I was worried I was going to die of the plague.

Really, Internet? Help a girl out!

You know what is a way better idea then making French Toast? Going to Denny’s and getting a bangin’ breakfast for $5.99. Although my cat did not enjoy this sausage:

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cats can’t reupholster because they have no thumbs…but I do!

Posted on March 14, 2012 by bowzerscastle

Let me introduce you to the place I sit and eat. (Disclaimer: If you are offended by animals at the dinner table, then I would never read my blog again.) This is my seat. That is my cat in my seat. This is an often occurrence. When I am ready to sit down, she normally moves into the other chair, which we call, “her seat”. Anyways. On to the disaster story of the day…

My mom gave me this table and chair set, which is a very well-made set. But I am sorry mom, the cushions were not my style. Perfect opportunity for a crafting disaster project! I took myself to the fabric store and picked out the one that made me the most dizzy. I have no clue how I measured for the perfect amount of fabric, that normally doesn’t work out in my favor.

Luckily, Joe’s mom came over that night and helped me with a plan to get the fabric nicely onto the cushion. The one she did fit perfectly and looked amazing like an ice cream sundae on a warm caturday afternoon. Now it was my turn to tackle the rest of the chairs…

Backstory: Joe and I had 2 roommates, Frank (who has a sweet mustache) and Amanda (who sings everything she says). Both from Essex, Maryland. When they moved in, Frank said to me “Oh man, Amanda is going to teach you so much Essex language”.

I googled for an example of some “Essex language” so you can get an idea of what I am talking about: “Oh my gawd, Tommy! Dat guy in da South Pole shirt just sed scuse me and shit and I dint move-tryin to walk an shit- an he said it ‘gen and kepp goin”! (Disclaimer #2: I am not trying to offend anyone here, Amanda talks just beautifully, but having this information is going to make the next part of the story give you a chuckle…)

Back to the story…

Amanda is helping me now with “reupholstering” (I don’t know why I put that word in quotes, it’s just such a strange word to me) these chairs. We’re having a crazy old time trying to get the fabric to sit right and this is how the conversation goes:

A: “Pull it taught”

Me: “What?”

A: “Pull it taught!”

Me: “Is that an Essex word?!”

A: “What? No! Pull it, tight!”

Me: “Did you mean to say tight instead?”

A: “No, you’ve never heard the word taught?!”

… there you are people. I was really hoping to learn some “Essex language”, but a “real word” will do.

Overall, our reupholstering project was a success. If you look underneath of the chairs, it definitely looks like a hot mess. But who will be looking under there? Besides the cat of course.

(Disclaimer #3: When I refer to “we” or “our” in a project, it usually means the other person did most of the work.)

To show you that we put this bad boy to use. (Bad boy meaning the table and chairs) Here is what I ate last night, this is something I actually know how to make:

(Oh boy, I need better photography skills. At least I caught the cat in the background.)

Pasta noodles (that I never cook all the way), tomato basil sauce (that I spilled all over myself), left over chicken, and a bag of frozen stir-fry veggies (that I put in the microwave). Yes I eat it out of the pot, why waste another dish?

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cats can’t cook…and neither can I…

Posted on March 12, 2012 by bowzerscastle

In the second grade, I met Tisha. We have both made it to be a quarter of a century old together, bravo! In the fourth grade, we decided we shouldn’t be partners together for school projects. This is because of my lack of craftiness. She learned quickly to not let me cut anything or it wouldn’t be straight, to not let me attempt to draw straight lines (even with a ruler), to not let me paste anything or you would see the glue or tape seeping out from behind the object, and so on. Thank jeebus she learned this about me early on, otherwise I don’t think we would have made it to a quarter of a century old together.

The moral of the story is, I’m not allowed to do anything crafty alone. Some sort of disaster always happens. The irony here, and not the Alanis Morrisette kind of irony, is that I went to design school. How did I make it through 4 years of art school being crafty-capped? It’s a good thing I took a liking to coding instead of designing. (Thanks, Mark!)

This same rule applies to cooking. Now that I’ve been out in the real world away from my easy-mac making college student friends, everyone is so creative with their food. I thought, hey with the use of the Internet, I could be creative too! Yeah, no, the Internet fails me every time. Although I never even mastered how to make easy-mac so maybe I shouldn’t be trying harder things.

A project of mine never starts without calling my mom first and never ends without my boyfriend, Joe, walking in on the wack-ass final result. I feel sorry for them. Lucky Tisha, she never had to live with me.

During the project is the best part though. My cat, Bull Dozer (Dozey for short), is always there for me along the way to step all over the pieces of my project. Or waits to try a bite of whatever I made. She is the real champion in this process of mine.

(Screw everything I just said, this blog is to make Dozey famous, somehow, someway!)

If you’re into laughing at disasters, fowl language, and cats – then stick around!

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