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Fire Roasted Slip -n- Slide

I am a fan of quick dinners. Preheat the oven and bake for 10 minutes, I’m there! Pizza sounds like a good, simple, easy dinner to make, right? Wrong.

We have slowly gotten better at making pizza. We started out by cooking it on a cookie sheet then we upgraded to using a pizza stone. We went from using shredded mozz to real mozz. We upgraded our brand and flavor of pizza sauce. We even went from using a knife to using a pizza slicer rolly guy jammy.

We even tried different types of dough – going from the usual Bobboli or whatever it’s called, to garlic dough from Trader Joe’s that you need to roll out and then we tried Naan. Naan is damn good! But of course we wait too long to make it and it goes bad quickly. Target only had thin crust doughs by Archer Farms this time around. I figured if they only had thin crust than people must like it so I shall try it, right? Wrong.

So we have this brilliant idea of using real mozz circles, tomato slices, classico pizza sauce and this fancy thin crust that says something about being fire roasted. If something says it’s fire roasted, I automatically assume it’s going to be good. We assemble this pizza on a cookie sheet at first and my god is it beautiful. I wish I had a picture of it, that shit was laid out niiiiiiice. We got this cool pizza baclamber for Christmas to help move the pizza on and off the stone. What is it called, pizza…peel! This whole thing seems like a simple deal, right? Wrong.

Time to take the delicious pizza out of the oven! And, well, there are no words…that shit just starts fallin off the crust like a slip n slide.

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That shit slid right off the crust onto the stone. We can’t remove the stone because it’s too damn hot. Some of it starts dripping down into the oven (our brand new, non self cleaning oven). I grab the cookie sheet so we can try and scoop what is left onto it. Somehow we get most of it into a big sloppy mess.

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While the pizza stone is covered in crap now. Anyone know how you wash those things? Apprently it isn’t suppossed to be “washed” so it can save its “flavors”. I never undersood things like that, people tell you to not clean something so you can cook again in your old shit and mix your new shit which apparently makes even more delicious shit. Doubtful. Now hand me the soap.

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We decide to eat it anyways, open up the cabinet and these cups come tumbling down and land on top of the pizza. JESUS BECKY! I just want to freakin’ eat ya’ll!

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So we eat it anyways, and it tastes just fine. I guess it didn’t need to be pretty in order to eat it.

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The best part? Our plumbing is screwy so we can’t use real dishes, the kitchen sink or dishwasher in order to clean this mess up. Better get our tongues ready because that’s all we got to get this shit clean.

This was the biggest fail that has happened in a long time. The cats didn’t even know what to do with us. So they just ate each other instead.

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Exotic Meat Chili

We had a Chili Cookoff at work in honor of the Superbowl. I thought, what better way to demonstrate my awful cooking than to subject all of my co-workers to it by pretending like I know what I’m doing. It was also a chance to make something I’ve never made before. And, to be honest, something I don’t even like.

My good friend Jackie makes a mean, well, everything. She makes a mean everything. I asked her to teach me her chili recipe, and thus began the madness. Her pup Rory had to help us out of course…

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We decided that I would watch her one night and then she would watch me a few nights later to repeat back the exact steps. While I watched her, I took some “amazing” notes. Keyword: amazing.

Dude, chili has a lot of ingredients. How do you people do this shit?!

Might I add, her receipe comes from a cookbook by Moby. Yes, kids, Moby has a cookbook. Who would have known?

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I didn’t want to tell anyone that this recipe was vegetarian, that usually scares people away. So I decided to call it Exotic Meat Chili. If only Moby was as smart as me, he would have had some good marketing there.

The first step to secure heli-camel safety is to put on a helmet of some sort. This can be a mask or helmet of your choosing. It is to protect from toxins, spices, smells, rubbing your eyes, keeps your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Or if you’re just prone to accidents like me, you might need some protection. I chose to go with the paintball mask.

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I find it easier to show you a picture of all of the ingredients rather than type them all out. There’s a lot of shit! Hold on to your hats guys, this is going to be a lengthy one.

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Note that the giant knife is not needed, but it makes for cool effect. The chocolate in the background is also not needed, unless you’re feeling randy. Notice the devil can opener there and the 6 cans that it needs to open. I just want you to know that it wasn’t just me who had trouble with this. It took 2 gingers and 2 tiny blonde girls to use this satan can opener.

Now, follow these easy directions written by yours truly:

    • 3/4 olive oil in giant pot – My measuring skills are not up to par. I always fuck up. I have no idea why my eyes cannot aline with the lines on the cup, I got probs yo! This measuring cup is pretty sweet, it’s made for animals. Also, olive oil looks like pee. I pee a lot. I have to pee.
    • photo 3chop giant onion butts off – YO! Onions are the goddamn worst. They are worse than that devil can opener. I have never cut an onion in my life, don’t ask me why, probably because they are the devil! My eyes, oh my eyes! It wasn’t the “crying”, it was the burning. Oh, the burning. I was told to put a spoon in my mouth. That shit works somehow, even if you look like a goddamn goofball. I thought Jackie was just messing with me and wanted me to look like a fool, but it actually worked. Well, sort of. I was still pretty miserable. I don’t understand why anyone would want to cut an onion, or have an onion in their food. Shit tastes gross anyways. What a waste of life, onions, what a waste. My cutting skills are not up to par. It took me a good hour to chop everything, this onion probably took the longest. My onion shavings are not very pretty either. photo 4
    • shave onion shavings
    • cut into little chippy guys
    • put in a mixing bowl
    • chop tempeh in bite sized pieces
    • 4 or 5 giant cloves of garlic – 1 bulb (1/4 cup) – I got the good ol’ garlic press out for these jammies. But I feel like chopping them with a knife was easier. Damn that garlic press, it is also the devil.
    • cut butts off – chop super fine
    • drain beans and corn
    • chop dat red pepper girl alrite giggity giggity
    • chop off the buttt and head
    • green and red same choppers
    • chop out guts and chop off that junk
    • jalapeño cut off head and butt
    • put seeds in with red and green peppas
    • membrane in the middle – fleshy junk
    • dice up green parts and put in with peppers

how do peppers work? science, bitch! – The pepper era. Ah, the pepper era. Cutting the butts off was way easier than I thought it was going to be. I have also never cut peppers before dudes. It was actually kind of fun. And the jalapeno didn’t bother me, only the goddamn onion bothered me! I got the seeds out with a knife which was apparently weird and you’re supposed to use your fingers for that. I also eat ribs with a knife and a fork, pizza too. So sue me!

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  • tablespoon cumin
  • half tbsp cyanne pepper
  • teaspoon smoked paprika
  • tbsp chili powder
  • half teaspoon garlic salt
  • quarter teaspoon crushed red pepper
  • Ah, the spice era. I have to share this picture of when Jackie combined the spices, it was so damn pretty. Then I go and do it with these crazy little measuring spoons that make no sense. You have to eye ball the measurements, while using a measuring device. How is that fair?! Alls fair in love and chili.photo 3-3photo 2
  • turn stove on medium bitch to heat oil
  • onions in – 5 min
  • do the stanky leg while stirring
  • put garlic in and it’s gonna smell like garlic up in this bitch
  • stir together for a few min
  • tempeh in for a few min
  • stir photo 2-1
  • peppers in for a few min stir
  • spices in stir a bit
  • wait 5 min
  • if it looks like poop than you’re doing it rightphoto 3-1
  • all tomatoes in
  • stir for a min
  • corn beans in from strainer
  • stir for a minphoto 4-1
  • medium low for an hour
  • it’ll be kinda bubbly guy
  • stir every now and then
  • if too liquidy, use lid
  • cheddar cheese

That wasnt so hard, right? The best part was having Jackie read them back to me when it was my turn to make it. Good thing I had her there to assist me, I would have forgotten most of what to do.

It was actually ediable, impressive, right?! Well, edible for everyone except me. It was too damn spicey! My tongue does not like spice, I can barely do pepper most of the time. I had such a hard time eating it, such a fail. It may have been the fact that it was still temperature hot though. It wasn’t so bad the next day. After this I learned that jalapenos can range in their hot-ness, kind of like the chicks on Baywatch. Whoda thunk it?

The most important part of the recipe happens RIGHT NOW! Are you listening? You must transport your chili in a Hello Kitty croc pot. Strap on little buddy, we’re going for a ride!photo 5-1

My buddy Dan won the chili cook off, as he should! Who knows what place I came in, ideally last. Because, lets face it, this is a fail blog. Maybe Dan will guest blog next about how to make a successful pot of chili, one to remember, one to love, one to poop out later.

And in the end, not a single fuck was given that day:

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Why You Should Marry Your Cat

Today I am going to stray from my usual cooking theatricals to discuss something that has been bugging me. If you’re just in it for the cooking, I suggest you stop reading now. If you’re in it for the cats, keep reading.

I don’t know about you, but my Facebook wall gets flooded with articles about how to be a better spouse/signifigant other/lover/mistress/protector of all that is holy.  I decided it’s time I write my own because these articles are clearly not giving you the full truth.

I have yet to see an article that has an “About the Author” section. How can I trust the article I am reading if I don’t know if it’s coming from a valid source? Here’s an example of what one should look like. ahem.

About the Author: Hello, I am 19 years old and been married for 1 year after dating my spouse for 1 year. You can believe everything I say because I believe in God. I will get divorced in 2 years because nothing I say makes any sense.

Some gems from these articles go as follows:

1. “If you’re not arguing, you’re doing something wrong. It means you are holding something back from your spouse and you’re afraid to discuss your true feelings” – Seriously?! You can discuss your true feelings without arguing. It’s called a conversation. If your spouse isn’t listening to your feelings, just tell them to your cat instead. They’re always willing to listen while licking their buttholes.

2. “Communicate” – I don’t think there is any sound advice on how to communicate, you just open your mouth and words or noises come out. If you find it is not working, I believe that playing the game SpaceTeam is the best thing you can do for your relationship. You yell nonsense words at each others faces and hope that your space ship doesn’t crash and kill you. This is basically how communication works anyways.

3. “I am married and dating someone” – Oh teehee jk I fooled you with the clever little title of my article. The truth is that I am still dating my wife. Nah for real? You’re still nice to that bitch even after marrying her? CRAZY! I never would have thought about being nice to my spouse. Isn’t that why you get married? So you can stop being nice and start being real. Wait, no, thats why you go on the TV show The Real World. I’m not really sure why one gets married.

Another gem was that Brad Pitt article that was going around. I am not going to link to it because I do not want his selfish ass to get any more traffic to his writings. Which, he probably didn’t even write himself. The article basically read like this:

“Hey Angelina, you had cancer and got depressed so instead of trying to make you feel better, I thought about leaving you. I let you get really depressed without even noticing. I married you because the world thinks you’re beautiful, not because I think you’re beautiful. Then I told the whole world how depressed you were and how I am a knight in shining armor for winning you back rather than giving up and leaving you”.

Bitch, you ain’t no knight. You’re a selfish asshole who should have been paying a little bit of attention. If you thought about leaving your wife, that makes every statement you make afterwards completely invalid. Amerrrrica, we leave our wives.

My marriage advice to you:

1. Get a cat

2. Teach that cat to cook

3. Forever be a lazy piece of shit

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If you read this and thought it was complete nonsense, now you know how I feel when I read these articles that flutter around. If you’re looking for advice on your relationship, don’t read the internet.

Read my favorite poem instead:

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

A few days after I drafted this post:

Joe proposed to me! Clearly my relationship advice is filled of pure gold. (Thanks to Photography byBrea for this amazing photo)

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To Infinity and Beyond, Meat.

If you’re new to cooking, bad at cooking, scared of cooking, I suggest vegetarian meals. They make things so easy.

There is a wonderful plant protein called Beyond Meat that we discovered. It is fake chicken that comes in a few flavors. The cool thing about Beyond Meat is that it acts more like actual chicken then any other subsitute we have tried. It doesn’t need to taste like chicken, it needs to act like chicken. By that I mean, it soaks up the flavors unlike tofu or other fake chicken products. Vegetarian or not, it is a must try. Plus, it has 20g of iron. Suck it, steak! The best part is that the founder went to University of Maryland and I dig anything created in my state. Find it at your local Whole Foods!

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We picked up the Southwest flavor of Beyond Meat and what better thing to make with it then a “Mexican Bake”.  I found this recipe by Kraft. What I love about the recipe, is that I completely ignored it.

Half cup of this, whole cup of that, pinch of this, pinch of that. Cook the meat for this long, toss your meat like this, throw your meat in the air and touch your derriere. How ’bout, no. Ya’ll know how I feel about following directions. They never make any sense and they always assume too much. They assume you know what you’re doing, and guess what, I never know what I’m doing.

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This is what ya do:

Preheat oven to 375. Get a pan. Cover the bottom of it with all of the Beyond Meat chicken. Lay a can of beans on top. Sprinkle some frozen corn on top of that. Scoop out some salsa and throw some clumps around. Put in the oven for 20 min. Take out and top with cheese. Bake for 5 more min. Now eat that bitch. You could make some rice on the side too, if you felt like it. Maybe, maybe if you have time.

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Since you’re not using real meat, you don’t have to worry about the meat being cooked all the way through so the timing almost doesn’t matter. Why do we need measurements for the other ingredients? Use as much or as little as you want based on your feelings about said ingredient. I love corn, but I hate onions and peppers, so fuck them. If you do decide to use real chicken, I can’t help you. Go somewhere else.

If you’re anything like every other vegetarian I know, a half cup of cheese is not nearly enough. You have to use the whole damn bag. And then some!

If you have no patience like me, you’ll forget to take a picture when you take it out of the oven and you’ll stick your face right in it. Om nom nom.

If you’re picky like me, you will pick all of the green peppers and onions out of the salsa, but when you accidently get a bite with a pepper in it, you’ll actually like it. But you’ll keep picking aroud them because psychology is a bitch.

I decided to take a tortilla and rip it up into pieces and throw it in the mix, while Joe piled his into a tortilla and ate it like a burrito. Whatever floats your boat!

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I hope you guys enjoy how horrible my photos are, it really makes all of my food look absolutely not appetizing what so ever. But come on, trust me! Beards, they grow on you.

The only thing you really need to remember is to drain the beans, otherwise you’ll end up with a soupy mexican bake and it isn’t so great.

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The Beyond Meat soaks up the flavor from the beans and salsa and really takes your taste buds to infinity and beyond! I talked to Buzz Lightyear about this, and he agreed. You can ask him yourself after you invite him to your kids birthday party.

There were no cats in the making of this dinner. Where the hell were they? Oh, right, snooze fest.

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Little shit is apparently a lightweight, he got too drunk before dinner time and passed out before he got his pajama pants on. What a n00b.

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I need an adult-wich

Sometimes your cat just isn’t enough, and you need an adult.

I tried to make Manwich so it would be ready when Joe got home, I almost failed.

Before I tell you about my failure, I must tell you about Manwich.

First of all, a can of Manwich is vegetarian. Read the ingredients, no meat son.

Now, get yourself some Morning Star veggie crumbles. Or any ground beef meat subsitute will do.

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In 10 minutes tops, you will have yourself a delicious sloppy joe. (Not to be confused with my Joe, he’s not getting sloppy)

Start the veggie crumbles heating up in a pan for a few minutes.

Meanwhile, open your can of Manwich. That is, if you can. You might need an adult if your can opener breaks apart in your hands.

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If there is no adult around, ask your cat to help. Though they will probably respond by saying they have no thumbs and cannot be of service. Or they will just stare at you in disbelief making you feel even worse about yourself than you already do in that moment. If they do actually respond to you with words, go see a doctor, stat.

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If you can’t put your can opener back together, try openng it with a knife, or scissors, or a fork, or your own hands. Don’t cut yourself.

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By this time, your veggie crumbles are probably heated up enough and are ready for their sloppy toppings. Go ahead and shake the can vigorously over top of the veggie crumbles, it will slowly ooze out of the little holes you have created with your can opening devices. A few hours later, the can should be empty.

Now you can stir that bad boy around for a few minutes.

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As soon as it’s finished, an adult will walk through the door. Had they arrived a few moments earlier, they could have helped you to open the can the right way. But hey, who needs ‘em! I got the job done!

Vegetarian Manwich is delicious and simple, don’t knock it until you try it.

(There was no cursing in the making of this dinner)

Boiled and baked noodles with sauce and cheese and shit

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog here. I am having far less failures lately, zomg I must be learning something!

A big thing I have learned is that people make cooking sound way harder and fancier then it actually is. They list every ingredient they can think of and make that the title of their recipe. “Baked white boneless skinless perdue chicken with green broccoli from a green giant bag and white gold sprouted maybe had eyeballs before I scraped them off potatoes from a bag in the store dot com”. Shut. Up.

Baked ziti has become a hot item around here because it’s easy as shit and makes mad leftovers. And trust me, it’s easy peasy. Let me break it down for you.

Buy some noodles, any noodles, I don’t even care what shape. They all taste the same. Make your own noodles if you’re feeling ambitious, but don’t look to this blog to tell you how to do that. That seems like a chefs job.

Read the box. Well, you don’t really have to read it. Just look for some numbers. Boil the noodles according to those numbers.

If you search the internet, people bake their ziti anywhere from 350 to 450 degrees. Pick somewhere in the middle, or not, it doesn’t matter, its just a noodle.

I go with 350 and I start this shit right away because in this day and age you have to wait 10 years for an oven to preheat. Come on technology, can I get an iPhone app to make this shit go quicker?

Alright, so you’ve got the oven preheating and you’ve got some noodles boiling. If you’re feeling fancy, dump some spices and olive oil into the pot. Though it doesn’t really matter because I can’t tell the difference if it is used or not.

PIck some sauce, any sauce. I usually go with Tomato Basil.

Get a pan, any pan. Use your eyeballs, how many noodles can I fit in dis pan? That’ll do! 9 x 13 is usually good for a pound of noodles.

When the noodles are done, turn off stove, lift pot, carry to sink, and strain.

Pour the noodles back into the pot a little at a time while mixing with the sauce.

Once complete, pour a layer into the pan of your choice.

I like to mix my lazy cheap ass with my fancy expensive ass, so I go with real mozzarella cheese and also the fake shredded kraft shit. After a layer of noodles, layer some shredded shit. Repeat until you reach the top, here is where you use your fancy real ass expensive mozz. Just throw that junk on top.

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Now stick it in the preheated oven for 20-30 minutes. Or however long it takes before your house starts to catch fire.

Was that so hard?

You can throw anything you want in there, too. Sometimes I do tomatoes. Other people of the internet use meat, but I don’t know shit about cooking meat so I steer clear. The noodles make so much that you really don’t need other crap. But I know how you people like to get all fancy. Throw whatever you please in there: veggies, meatless meat, real mans meat, cat food meat, feet meat, cake meat, mustache meat, whatever. Just make sure you title your recipe accordingly.

I like to call mine “Boiled and baked noodles with sauce and cheese and shit”, that would be most accurate.

(Now do yourself a favor, go to Gizoogle.net, put in catscantcook.com and laugh your face off)

Lastly, pass out in some awkward position:

 

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Cinnamon Rolls

Growing up, my mom would make these delicious Pilsbury cinnamon rolls. Smelling them in the morning as a child was the greatest feeling ever. Now I’m all old and realized, oh all I have to do is stick these shits in the oven? I can do that!

…not.

I don’t have these mysterious cake pans that my mom used to cook them in, but I have a cookie sheet and that looks the same color to me. Apparently not. I always burn the bottoms no matter what I do. A few years later, today, I decide to read the directions all the way through. Oh, there are special directions for a cookie sheet. Efffffff uuuuuuu. Finally, I have a delicious cinnamon roll by cooking them for 8 minutes rather then 13.
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Lets chat about this container that they come in – who invented this thing?! It is like a death trap. Wait for it to, “pop”? It’s seriously terrifying every time I have to do it.

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The other annoying thing about cinnamon rolls is waiting for them to cool before you can put the icing on, what a tease. These new kinds with the orange icing look freakin gross too.

Well, my Sunday was better after I learned to read directions.

Sometimes Dagger gives me this look of disapproval:

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